HIGHMARK STADIUM — State officials have reportedly granted a waiver request made by the Riverhounds Soccer Club to allow fans into games despite yellow phase restrictions on the grounds that it is “highly improbable” attendance would ever exceed 25 persons.
“We felt that we owed it to our fans to get them back in their seats,” said Riverhounds communications team member Ryan Lutz. “Clearly it worked because every last one of our season pass holders — yes, all three — called today to renew. That means we only have 22 spots available for our first game, so buy tickets now! We expect that number to drop to as low as 20 after we announce our $1 pre-game beer specials.”
Spokesperson for the Governor’s Office Lisa Klein believes the move represents a small step towards area residents “feeling normal again.”
“People want a return to deep-rooted traditions and routines,” she said. “For many Pittsburghers, that includes passing on an affordable pro soccer match to blow money at a gimmicky pickle festival or enough Iron City to convince themselves the Pirates could be good this year. With this agreement, we’re confident those folks will be able to get back to ignoring a beautiful $10 million stadium on the river in favor of sending obscenity-laden tweets to local sports talk personalities from their couch in no time.”
Avonworth resident Lucy Camillo, whose husband Roger has had a season pass since the team opened the stadium in Station Square, expressed appreciation to all parties for their decision.
“I want to sincerely thank the Riverhounds and literally anybody who helped bring the USL back,” she said, forced to yell over her husband’s “marathon” vuvuzela playing in celebration of the season’s return. “While the USL eCup has certainly been a nice touch, it will be good for Roger to whistle loudly, throw team-colored powder, and bang that massive goddamn drum somewhere other than our living room. Dinner talk is supposed to be about things like family, not the dangers of playing a 4-4-1 diamond formation in FIFA20.”
As of press time, staff at the team’s ticket office reportedly noted a surge in calls after a recent ad, but they believe interest will subside once people realize they meant European football, not American.
