HARRISBURG — “Vicious Nazi overlord” and Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf faced a wave of criticism today for his COVID-19 response, “brutally” saving thousands of innocent lives, according to sources signing petitions to eliminate presidential term limits in favor of Donald Trump.
“It all started with the masks,” said Butler resident Frank Malloy, who admitted no state authority or official had ever approached him to enforce he wear one. “That’s how he separates his sheeple from true Americans who ain’t afraid to stand up for their rights and tell Donna at Giant Eagle to eat a bag of shit. Only a matter of time until he commands Kaiser Peduto to launch his elite secret police disguised as protestors upon us.”
Derry native Sheila Whitman believes Wolf’s push to remain in a state of emergency, thereby securing federal funds, serves as evidence of his agenda.
“It’s obvious he’s trying to create chaos to declare martial law,” she said, also calling access to mass testing, which would require federal funding but enable looser restrictions, “gay.” “People are too busy to listen exclusively to Quinn in the Morning for the truth, though. They just keep bringing up these so-called ‘statistics’ and ‘data.’ Well, I’ll tell you who else used to data: Hitler — probably.”
Conversely, Bethel Park’s Sam Gorman acknowledged the Governor’s goal, but argued that it caused more harm in the process.
“He needs to think about those considering self-harm, suffering domestic abuse, or in need of a paycheck to survive,” he said, though records indicate he has never raised awareness, volunteered, donated, or voted to support any measures or organizations meant to serve those populations. “Those are the true victims here who I fight for, so long as it doesn’t involve increasing any taxes.”
As of press time, Gorman was reportedly posting about Wolf’s “killing our beloved local businesses” from aisle three of Walmart.
