ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Pirates play-by-play announcer Greg Brown has already changed into an alternate pair of khakis during the team’s season-opening broadcast after “absolutely whitewashing” the first pair in cum from excessive excitement for baseball’s return, team sources hurriedly driving to a Target to buy more confirm.
“It’s not that it’s an unusual occurrence for Brownie to…you know…go off,” said broadcast booth assistant Keith Matthews. “Typically, though, you can see it happening: he can’t sit down he’s so stoked and he’ll start yelling weird stuff like ‘ándale‘ or speaking with a thick Italian accent. Nobody expected him to blow like a goddamn geyser on a 2-0 slider low outside in the 1st inning.”
Matthews explained how they work with the long-time Pirates broadcaster during what they call a “climax event” or, colloquially, “basting the Jolly Roger.”
“Very similar to Nascar actually,” he said, applying enzyme stain remover to the soiled trousers with clinical precision. “There are six of us who each have their own step, from unbuttoning to ensuring the pants don’t catch on his shoes to maximize speed. I think the fastest we’ve ever done it was 5.2 seconds a few years ago against Milwaukee. You’ll never find any footage, but we already had the pants halfway off before he even finished the semi-Hispanic flourish on Russell Martin’s name.”
Between innings, Brown commended his team’s dedication and proficiency.
“My crew is a bunch of pros — the very best,” he said. “Sometimes, I’ll unleash a not-so-frozen rope after a diving stab turns into a double play and I trust these guys to evaluate in seconds the spread, density, and potential permanence of the stain without even having to leave the chair or miss a beat. I can tell my worries Arrivederci! with these guys behind me.
As of press time, other team staff were reportedly replacing owner Bob Nutting’s polo shirt after it became covered in drool from his staring at a dollar bill on the ground.
