PENN TOWNSHIP — Local dive regular Lou Parker has begun looking “dangerously well and high-spirited” since Covid-19 restrictions have forced him to eat between orders of light beer and shots of Imperial whiskey, concerned sources report.
“Old Lou just sat in the corner and groaned incoherently until you could tell by the defeated hunch of his shoulders that he needed another drink,” said bartender Rick Moore. “Now that we’ve had to feed him, not only does he come up to the bar, he starts asking me these weird questions about fulfillment and purpose. I don’t even want to talk about the time he nursed an ice water for like, 25 minutes; I’d get too emotional.”
Moore claimed the change has fueled an erratic turn in Parker’s behavior.
“The other day he went outside — I figured to piss on the fence like usual — and he was gone for a good 45 minutes. I start frantically calling his neighbors and family, thinking the worst, but it turns out the crazy bastard went to the park to ‘get some fresh air,’ whatever that means. Anyway, me and some buddies have him on a 24/7 watch rotation now, just in case he keeps showing these discouraging signs of restraint.”
Contrary to public opinion, Parker considers the addition of sustenance to his daily drinking regiment beneficial.
“I didn’t even realize I would just make this slurred grunt during Wheel of Fortune until I got a slice of pizza in me,” he said. “By the end of the night, I was able to say complete sentences and even got a few of them right. God, can you imagine what miserable, unlikable wretch I must have been before all this? At least I can trust the staff here to have my back and make sure I don’t revert to my old ways again.”
Conversely, Parker’s long-time barkeep feared what he’s seen may continue.
“Last night, Lou was talking about giving up alcohol altogether,” he said with a grimace. “Man, I hope he gets better soon.”
