NORRISTOWN, Penn. — Single, long-time unemployed man Robbie “Mooch” Hartwig reached out to friends from his parents’ attic this morning after “finally taking a good look in the mirror” and deciding he desperately needed their input to improve his fantasy football team, according to sources microwaving a slice of bread with a Kraft American single on it.
“This wasn’t where I saw myself when I borrowed a couple grand from my buddy Phil five years ago to become an entrepreneur,” he said, gesturing to the roster on his computer screen and not the mess that surrounded him. “I’ve realized humans aren’t meant to live this way, just scraping by on the waiver wire while you wait for mom to drive you to the mall for a new Eagles hat. So once I got up around 2:30 p.m., I admitted that I need help if I ever want a chance of winning this league’s $100 purse and vaunted trophy of two women performing a sexual act on one another.”
As of press time, Hartwig had reportedly surprised other players with an announcement that he planned to quit after this year, claiming “if [he] really wanted to make something of his pathetic life,” then he would need win a league with at least 12 teams in it.
