SOUTHWESTERN PENNSYLVANIA — The Kraft Heinz Company will be using the region as its primary test market for new 15.5-gallon ketchup kegs, the food conglomerate explained in a press release earlier today.
“The holidays are a time to indulge and let loose a bit,” said company spokesperson Kenneth Cairns. “Why not amp up the action at that boring family get-together by drowning it in a seemingly never-ending flow of red, corn syrup-induced goodness? It’s the perfect thing to help you forget that these people are connected to you by blood and will be feasting with you for at least another two decades.”
Cairns did add a few words of caution, however.
“Listen, though, this stuff can be habit-forming and we take that very seriously,” he noted. “So if you see anybody start drenching pizza in it, please be sure to call the number conveniently listed at the bottle of the barrel.”
If response goes well, the company has reportedly considered also releasing pony kegs of mustard and relish.
