SWISSVALE — Local woman Cindy ‘Cinderella’ Dobson has expressed her fear to fellow bar patrons that she will “make an idiot” of herself and turn back to her “boring, normal,” sober state of being as soon as the state’s on-site drinking ban goes into effect at 5 p.m. today.
“This fairy tale of tequila and Bud Light will be a nightmare,” said Dobson, noting she “sure as fuck” won’t leave behind one of her Steelers Nike Air Force Ones, should she have to flee the scene in a heightened state of lucidity and levelheadedness. “What will become of my glowing sense of humor and unbreakable self-confidence without the blessing of the Fairy Godmother — which is what I call a double shot mixed of vodka, 151, and whipped cream? Will I be forced to realize my grand chariot is, in fact, a 2003 Pontiac Sunfire with no hubcaps?”
Determined not to squander the moment, Dobson reportedly demanded the bar’s “charming prince,” whom she believed to be named Rob, delight her one last time with the “heavenly pleasure” of body shots and provocative dancing to Buckcherry’s “Crazy Bitch.”
