Welcome to Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s Santa Tracker 2020! We spent the night hunting down this wily son of a bitch to give you the most accurate updates on where Santa’s been and how his annual visit is faring. Find out for yourself below:
WEST MIFFLIN, 11:49 p.m. — Santa was seen pressing his face against the front door glass, reportedly mumbling to himself about how Century 3 Mall used to be full of people waiting in line to see him.
SOUTH PARK 12:36 a.m. — Doing the impossible, Santa gifts local Mark Madden fan a novel opinion.
SOUTH SIDE, 1:09 a.m. — Santa undoes his iconic large belt buckle after housing a chocolate chip cookie-and-coleslaw sandwich left out in front of Primanti’s.
CRANBERRY, 1:28 a.m. — Santa responds to an urgent letter from UPMC Lemieux Sports Complex staff and convinces Sidney Crosby to finally stop conditioning for the night.
WHEELING, 1:33 a.m. — Santa spotted on break chain-smoking Newports while joylessly betting all possible lines on a Sex & the City slot machine.
NEW ALEXANDRIA, 1:51 a.m. — Prancer, Donner, and Vixen help pull a raised Chevy out of pile of horse manure in exchange for a sixer of Busch.
NEW ALEXANDRIA, 1:57 a.m. — To save himself some time, Santa just gives the Chevy’s owner his Truck Nutz and Skoal right there and then.
CONGRUITY, 2:14 a.m. — Eight reindeer and a large sleigh seen pulling into the Climax Gentleman’s Club drive-thru strip club, and a burst of profanity was heard upon realization that it has been closed for years.
MURRYSVILLE, 2:25 a.m. — Santa settles for the next best thing and slams four MTOs in the Sheetz parking lot.
POINT BREEZE, 3:06 a.m. — In an act of pure charity, Santa logs a hammered Bill Peduto off Twitter.
I-76 EAST, 3:44 a.m. — Santa heard yelling at the reindeer that they have to hold their bladders until they get to Bloomfield, else they’ll never make it to Wildwood, NJ on time.
HIDDEN VALLEY RESORT, 6:50 a.m. — Families staying at the Hidden Valley resort wake up to a true Christmas miracle: snow passes to nearby Seven Springs.
(Contributions by John Danek @jjdanek)
