PITTSBURGH — ESPN’s Adam Schefter has reported that Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger fully intends to follow through with his ominous threat to return for another year, thus extending the seemingly endless cycle of hell that involves having to talk about this fucking guy.
When reached for comment, representatives for Roethlisberger confirmed the terrifying suggestion that we will suffer another year committing countless time and resources to the arm strength of middle-aged man instead of something remotely productive.
“Ben is committed to providing this franchise and city another high-caliber season of petty in-fighting and meaningless debate on bubble screens,” the statement read. “As the planet dies and people suffer, Ben can’t wait to help this town answer one important question: did Randy Fichtner sabotage Number 7 from winning another championship?”
Brookline resident Keith Miser expressed his support for the veteran who will earn $33 million next year under his current contract.
“Big Ben doesn’t deserve the kind of treatment he gets,” he said of the man who has faced virtually no consequences for his behaviors. “Just look at his pics; he’s a family man now. When will SJWs and Steve Young leave this defenseless multimillionaire and future Hall-of-Famer in peace?”
Miser hopes JuJu Smith-Schuster will not return next year, however.
“I think he’s a fake,” he said of the 24-year-old who uses a substantial part of his social media presence to document acts of goodwill. “It seems like he only does things because he wants attention. It’s like he doesn’t know when to knock it off and go away.”
“Tell you what,” he added, “Ben would never do something like that.”
