DOWNTOWN — The Penguins revealed their plan this morning to ensure they do not exceed state-issued capacity restrictions when fans return tomorrow night by starting every game with five minutes remaining in the second period.
“The fans’ safety in these unusual circumstances is our top priority,” said team spokesperson Connor Grendel. “We’ve reconfigured sight lines so each and every person has a perfect view of the Jumbotron’s timer that will trigger their primal reflex to hit the pisser and hurry to the parking lot lest they wait an additional 20 minutes to get through the Liberty Tunnels. This strategy is just one of several in our risk-reduction model, which includes natural elements to limit attendance like the team losing two games in a row or playing on a Monday.”
Grendel assured fans they would still have a chance to do all the things that “make a game at PPG Paints Arena so special.”
“Fans can use the Pens app to prepay for nachos and beer upon entry,” he said. “In fact, the path from each gate to the exit allows for just enough time on the concourse to shovel half of it in your face while bullshitting with a co-worker before claiming you’d ‘best hit the road’ or have to ‘beat the rush.'”
“We will also be blasting a constant loop of the hidden puck game and ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ and our Ice Crew will be waiting by every exit to shoot a cheap shirt at any fans willing to dive on the ground for one.”
Though players couldn’t surprise fans with home ticket delivery this year due to the pandemic, Grendel noted season ticket holders will still receive a “heartfelt package” from the team, including a thank you letter, discounts at Pens Gear, and a full-priced invoice.
