Mario Mario of Nintendo fame died this afternoon after crashing head-first into a South Side Slopes home, having mistaken it for a shortcut to the bottom of the hill. He is survived by his brother Luigi and many friends in the Mushroom Kingdom.
“I seen three or four cars today spin out going about half that speed,” said affected resident Barry Ward. “So when I saw the little Italian guy screaming ‘A-here we go!’ come around the bend at 45 mph, I figured he was a goner. Apparently he thought it was some secret cutaway? Sorry, sarge, that wall you hit was just good-ol’ Barry Ward masonry.”
“Anyway, city probably ought to do something about that curve,” he added.
Others, however, like the Giant Penguin racing Mr. Mario to the South Side Flats, were critical of the choices leading to his demise.
“I warned Mario over and over that the greed would catch up to him some day,” said the massive waterfowl. “The day he threw one of my children over a cliff just because he missed out on a star was the day I knew he had passed the point of no return.”
“Good riddance,” Giant Penguin added, spitting at the ground. “Cheater.”
