MOON TOWNSHIP — Pittsburgh International Airport announced plans to add “lol jk” in very small font after “International” in its name to reflect the true status of its foreign flight offerings.
“We wanted to convey a playful, fun side of our airport to passengers. All signs, advertisements, and aviation communications will now contain a tiny ‘lol jk’ after the word International on all advertisements, signs, and legal documents,” explained PIT executive director Christina Cassotis. “And just so everyone knows, this is solely a marketing decision and doesn’t at all represent a total failure on our part to offer interesting flight destinations.”
“Seriously,” she emphasized, “would an also-ran, totally dysfunctional airport be introducing convenient new domestic routes to places like Chicago with only one stop in Dulles or JFK instead of three layovers in Fort Worth, Colorado, and then Atlanta? I, for one, doubt it.”
Longtime PIT traveler thinks that the name refresh is an improvement over its former misnomer.
“’International’? Jesus Christ, I think they had like 3 fuckin’ flights to Toronto in like 1989, and they’ve had the audacity to keep boasting ‘International’ ever since,” scoffed disgruntled Clariton resident Dawn Solomon. “You know, it’d be nice to get a direct flight to Cabo every once in a while. They think we ain’t cultured n’at to visit other countries like Mexico and Hawaii? What a crock of horseshit.”
FCC administrator Stephen Dickson clarified that this decision is not a voluntary, image-based refresh.
“This isn’t part of some marketing campaign on PIT’s behalf: we are legally compelling PIT to change its name due to its utter lack of international flight options,” stated Dickson. “We demanded that the name accurately reflect its purpose to travelers. The ‘lol jk’ will help, and we are strongly encouraging them to use Comic Sans in all instances. Hell, we’re even considering demanding they revoke the ‘Pittsburgh’ part of the name too, considering how goddamn far it is from the city.”
Though Pittsburgh International Airport has hinted at no plans to widen its destination options, Cassotis announced a six-year, $4 billion plan to add a Primanti Brothers to each concourse.
(Article by John Danek — @jjdanek)
