EAST ALLEGHENY – Local man Derek Howson renewed efforts yesterday to get his father to back vital charitable causes in the Southwestern PA by reframing them as a suburban high school football coach, according to “exhausted” sources trying to connect the importance of transportation equity to mandatory summer conditioning restrictions.
“It’s all about contextualizing,” he said, outlining potential avenues to connect the recent termination of Pine Richland’s entire coaching staff to generational poverty. “He’ll walk away if I talk about his neighbor who suffers from food insecurity, but he’ll fight tooth and nail for a supplemental contact employee and its impact on some running back’s chances to get recruited by Penn State. Figure I’ve just got to replace each instance of ‘generational poverty’ with ‘cancel culture’ and every ‘meaningful step towards equity’ with ‘WPIAL championship’ and he might even consider a donation.”
Past experience has taught Howson how meticulous he has to be when constructing the analogy.
“One time he asked how the ‘team’ did that season, so I off-handedly claimed they had just missed the playoffs at 5-6, in respect to funding falling just short in state legislature,” he said. “Dad scoffed and muttered something about ‘a pack of losers’ until I saved it by saying their star QB was out for the deciding game due to academic probation. He started ranting about the audacity that school expect kids to be completing assignments during a playoff push, but it had almost cost me.”
As of press time, Howson’s father was reportedly trying to get himself to finish an incomplete Facebook comment about the latest news from Pine Richland that read “Back in my day” by pretending somebody would read it.
