CENTER — Beaver County junior Freddy Anderson’s crock pot of “Buffalo Pollo Dip” remains the odds-on favorite to capture his high school Cinco de Mayo party’s best dish award for an “unprecedented” third year, according to sources now chanting “Yo gusto queso.”
“Freddy’s dip is the shit,” said classmate Riley Anthony. “In fact, I’ve only stayed in Spanish this many years because it gives me a chance to get my fill before all the other kids butt in. I still have a 54-percent grade going into this last stretch, but I pretty sure I can still bring that up. For an entire plate of this mayo the five-o [sic] deliciousness, it’s totally worth it.”
Spanish teacher Barb Flynn believes that some of the challengers have shown promise, but doubts they can’t take down the reigning champion.
“I think El Crunchwrap Supremo would’ve won handily, had there been enough,” she said. “However, the two bites young Mr. Barker took out of it already scared away our more…sane voters, while such a small offering has driven some of his football buddies to vote against him out of spite. On the other side, the bowl of Doritos de Cool Ranch is plentiful enough, and demonstrates even an iota more understanding of the language, but as I see kids rifling through their belongings for anything edible to dunk into Freddy’s dip, I can tell the chips themselves don’t stand a real chance.”
Flynn admits her ideal end to the event has little to do with the outcome of the food offerings.
“Frankly, I don’t give a damn who wins,” she said. “I just want them to decide so I don’t have to hear yet another karaoke rendition of ‘Despacito’ for a blissful 364 days. We can’t stop too soon, though, because we still have 27 opened bags of Tostitos, a dozen packs of Wal-Mart sugar cookies, and two Gatorade coolers full of Mountain Dew to finish, and I am not taking that shit home with me.”
In related news, German teacher Mr. Mauer has reportedly confirmed that he will offer extra credit again at next year’s Oktoberfest celebration to any student who provides a homemade dish. Sources say he also agreed to no longer question whether the food is really “Oma’s special recipe” so long as students take more care in removing the ALDI labeling first and the vo-tech kids promise to stop sneaking in beer.
