ATLANTIC OCEAN – A Kraft Heinz tanker sustained substantial exterior damage off the Eastern Shore of Virginia this morning, leading to a “catastrophe-level” spill of crude ketchup in the Atlantic Ocean, according to sources pushing for more stringent restrictions against the food conglomerate.
“For years, massive gastrochemical corporations like Kraft Heinz have skated by with token investments in ‘alternative condiments,'” said activist Lauren Hargrove. “They smile in front of a bottle ‘Simply Heinz’ or the barely more sustainable 57 sauce, while continuing to haul massive volumes of raw, toxic, syrup-laden tomato base with no regard to its environmental impact. Honestly, people, Sriracha, local vinegar, hell, even just whip up spicy mayo – virtually anything is better than supporting these monsters and their damnable negligence.”
Industry analyst Samantha Mills explained why the event is unlikely to invoke change among locals.
“People like to associate ketchup dependence with favored symbols of yesteryear,” she said. “Super Bowls, dad’s glorified alcohol problem, and brand-based tribalism have helped Heinz flourish around Southwestern PA long since its last contribution to the region. I mean, there’s a reason people still drink Iron City or, sweet Jesus, Rolling Rock even though it hasn’t been here – or good – in forever.”
“It doesn’t matter how many pictures you post of birds and seals drenched hopelessly in unfiltered tomato muck,” she said. “Kraft Heinz’ll just send a bunch of french fries on-site to aid with cleanup and then market some nonsense like, I don’t know, ketchup corn and people will forget in a matter of minutes.”
Resident Greg Marker appeared unfazed by the potential consequences of the accident.
“I don’t care how it gets to me or who it hurts along the way,” he said, filling entire drums with the processed ketchup end product in fear of a shortage. “A little high fructose corn syrup ain’t hurt nobody; it’s what keeps America churning. Besides, I’ll be damned if I’m going to support these tree-hugging soyboys and take good labor jobs away from my hard-working neighbors.”
As of press time, Marker was reportedly shoving his fingers in his ears after overhearing the multi-billion-dollar giant hasn’t produced ketchup in the city since 2002, and its plant, sold at the same time, was closed and its workers laid off in 2019.
