OAKLAND — Curators at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History unveiled a new exhibit this morning featuring the “rock-hard, renal stone-ridden” kidney of a man who drank multiple gallons of Turner’s Iced Tea a day.
“Natural history isn’t just dinosaurs and prehistoric sea life,” said the museum’s assistant director Dr. Wilson Boggs. “It’s also marvels of modern times – in this case, the kidney of a man who survived decades of drinking more than a 100 grams of sugar every day and ‘pissing driveway gravel,’ as he put it. I find this display even more exciting than the blood samples of the guy who loved Heinz where the platelets consisted of up to five percent ketchup.”
Researcher Dr. Anita Coleman admitted to mistaking the relic for other phenomenon.
“I originally thought it was a well-preserved meteorite,” she noted, shaking her head upon seeing the organ again. “All those rock-encrusted crevices and sparkling bits left by the corn syrup really threw me off. A colleague of mine believed it was an Sumerian wind instrument of some kind until we both got a look at it and realized it still reeked of lemon, stale pilsner, and Pepsi products.”
Roy Porter, to whom the kidney belonged, is still alive, though he refuses to alter his dietary habits despite the related hardships.
“They been telling me to slow down since I’ve been burning through loaner kidneys like PennDOT through pavement,” he said, wincing notably after taking a swig from a Turner’s carton. “I cut down to a few quarts a day and they’re still on my ass. What do they want me to drink, friggin’ water? Over my dead body…or at least another dead man’s body whose kidney donation helps me keep this tea fever dream alive.”
Porter and the museum reportedly have a deal in place to compensate him for the exhibit through September. He said he may seek to extend the stay, however, if his decreased Turner’s consumption forces him to downgrade the kidney stones he’s been selling online as #57 limestone to the less profitable #8.
