NORTH SIDE — A group of Pitt alumni heavily clad in official Pitt merchandise has briefly paused their exchange of Pitt stories at a tailgate for the Pitt-West Virginia game to express their collective thanks that they didn’t peak in high school “like some obsessed, homesick loser,” parking lot sources continue to loudly confirm.
“Dude, I don’t think (fellow high school alum) Mark Donovan could even pass the PSSAs let alone go to college,” said 2009 Pitt graduate and middle manager Tyler Walker with regard to the now plumber making 50 dollars an hour. “I even saw a pic on Facebook at the high school football game last week. God, imagine how pathetic it must feel to go to the same team’s games over and over just because you spent four years somewhere?”
2011 graduate Bryce Mathis echoed Walker’s criticism with his own anecdote.
“Seriously bro, this chick Sara from home married her high school sweetheart and it’s like, haven’t you ever left your town?” said the North Allegheny alum who had told a story moments earlier about several consecutive years celebrating spring break in Ocean City, Maryland where he met his wife who graduated from Pine-Richland. “I don’t think I’d have been ready for marriage if me and that girl Lauren I met in Psych didn’t date for two months my sophomore year.”
Nearby tailgaters didn’t appear to share the enthusiasm for the criticism they overheard.
“Sure, Uncle Jimmy’s was fun and all when my Pitt friends took me there,” said IUP graduate Marty Lasko, “but I’m not sure how you can rag on people spending their nights at Eat n’ Park at 17 and in the same breath brag about the ‘greatest pool game in campus history’ that you can barely remember. At least the musical kids at Eat n’ Park have more to do than argue about who drank the most shots of Jäger in a single sitting.”
As of press time, the group had reportedly interrupted a story about “band nerds” to sing another round of ‘Sweet Caroline.’
