PITTSBURGH — Facing “insurmountable financial hardship,” a local Catholic parish altered today’s Easter homily to focus on less traditional canon of Jesus’s resurrection in favor of emphasizing how he “absolutely raked in the big bucks from the comfort his of grave” by using FanDuel.com, according to sources praying for pointers on today’s slate of MLB games.
“I’m for certain recall the apostles showing up and not finding his body,” said churchgoer Sam Connolly, “though I don’t seem to remember the part where they lament not having enough time to get back to their bookie and Jesus saves them by showing them a way to win with just a few simple clicks, ‘no credit card required.'”
Attendees noted that several “classic pieces” of the resurrection story felt different from years past.
“‘He is risen!’ always stands out to me,” said Easter visitor Sarah Brooks. “So of course I had to take a moment when Father James followed up by explaining to the congregation that FanDuel ‘has also risen’ with regard to their free-bet bonus for first-time users.”
As of press time, sources present at the church confirmed that the priest was waiting at the exit to wish attendees a blessed holiday and remind them to spread the word to friend and family, “which may qualify you for up to $250 in referral bonuses.”
