The Heinz Kraft Company plans to release a pumpkin ketchup in the Pittsburgh area because “fuck you, you’re going to buy this bottled viscous shit, aren’t you?”, representatives at the food giant bet today.
“This venture is the result of absolutely zero meaningful labor or market research,” said company spokesperson Sharon Gomez. “We were just at a happy hour last week and decided it would be funny to see if Pittsburghers would eat some foul concoction of high fructose corn syrup, vinegar, and pumpkin with the Heinz label on it — and voila, pumpkin ketchup. And let’s be real, you brand-loyal minions are going to eat that shit up like it was a decree sent by God.”
Marketing executive at Heinz Kraft Company Mark DeSanzo believes that virtually any product they might release in the southwestern Pennsylvania market would experience immense popularity.
“I could shit in a bottle, slap the Heinz sticker on it, and Pittsburgh folks would be slathering it all over their burgers and fries in no time,” he said. “Some of you sick fucks might even put it on their pizza, for all I know. Jesus, imagine if we got a Steelers endorsement with it, too; we would probably have to sell the bottles of shit by the pallet.”
DeSanzo later noted that the company currently has no feces-infused ketchup in the works. Other calendar-influenced condiments may appear on local shelves throughout the year, however.
“We can’t wait to see what these people will blindly eat next,” he said, pointing at notes for a Thanksgiving ketchup that simply read “gravy + ketchup?” “Honestly, for this one, we might just shove a Heinz bottle up the turkey’s ass and sell it as a whole meal.”
Brighton Heights resident Arnie Bartus stated that, despite Heinz’s brazen commentary, he still feels compelled to stick with the once Pittsburgh-based firm’s products.
“Yeah, it looks gross and I don’t even like pumpkin, but come on, have you ever tasted Hunt’s?” he asked, choking down several chicken nuggets doused in the new pumpkin condiment. “No, of course not. Me neither — that shit sucks. Guess I’ll have to learn to like this new stuff.”
Relying on a more consumer-positive approach, Wigle Whiskey also made an unexpected announcement today that it intends to unveil a brand new whiskey that actually tastes half decent.
