STRIP DISTRICT—Representatives on behalf of the Strip District Terminal adorned themselves in heather gray shirts and assorted apparel bearing an image of the American flag this morning to mark the opening of the “boutique shopping” destination’s new Old Navy store.
“The addition of Old Navy bolsters what is already a premier experience for city residents,” said spokesperson Tom Walters. “Folks can drown themselves in liquid sugar from Starbies, play some putt-putt, power back up with a bowl of chicken, and then snag a pair of joggers alongside $78 in assorted bullshit merchandise near the register before hitting the highway back to Robinson Township.”
The value fashion chain’s district manager emphasized in a press release that the new location aims to enmesh itself in the “rich local culture” of the Terminal’s current offerings, including a cross-promotion with the nearby Chipotle to “fortify the brand’s clothing with 3x the protein it would normally have.” The company has yet to return requests for further information.
Additionally, the store will offer deals this week on its “Soul of Pittsburgh” line of hoodies and shirts, featuring the words “yinz” and “dahntahn,” while also marking down its one-use flip-flops to $4.12. Lucky customers, estimated to be one in every 1000, will have their order bag filled with french fries, brought over from “everybody’s favorite local sandwich spot,” Shake Shack.
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