A package addressed to Mayor Bill Peduto was intercepted yesterday, containing a suspicious device armed with near-fatal volumes of Hunt’s ketchup, city officials reported this morning.
“Though crudely made, the device was still capable of delivering a serious payload,” said spokesperson for the Mayor’s Office Tina Ward. “Authorities in other cities may have dismissed this threat out of hand, but we know from direct experience that 24 full ounces of inferior tomato condiment is no laughing matter. We’re just thankful the package was discovered before it could inflict underwhelming taste and texture of catastrophic proportions upon Mr. Peduto.”
“We understand that today’s political climate has created a divide among the people, but I think we can all agree that attacks with dangerously low-grade ketchup are not the way to resolve our differences,” she added.
Thus far, no suspect has emerged in the case. The homemade device reportedly included a cryptic message reading, “Go Browns!”, but investigator Ron Higgins believes that this statement merely serves as a false flag.
“A common diversionary tactic, trying to mislead authorities into thinking somebody from Cleveland crafted the device,” he said, referencing a 1996 case in which the suspect tried to identify himself as Neil O’ Donnell following the quarterback’s poor performance in Super Bowl XXX. “These people typically leave clues, though — especially amateurs. Notice at the bottom of the ketchup bottle that the culprit instinctively wrote and had to scratch out ‘Browns suck!’ several times before he or she successfully made the desired inscription.”
“Besides, with two wins already and Baker Mayfield showing promise, Browns fans are way too ecstatic right now to find time to ship lethally low-quality tomato products to elected officials of opposing cities. ‘Go Cavs!’ might have lent the Cleveland connection more credibility.”
Federal authorities added to the case are confident that they will soon locate the person who sent the package.
“This guy or woman thinks they’re pulling a fast one, but joke’s on them,” said a Pittsburgh-based federal agent on the condition of anonymity. “Hunt’s is an incredibly rare agent for ketchup-based attacks because of its extremely high levels of taste bud toxicity. Most perps won’t even touch the stuff; they stick to store brands.”
“In fact, our research shows that only nine people have purchased a bottle of Hunt’s in this area over the past three months, so we should have this son of a bitch behind bars by sundown.”
The Mayor’s Office says it will remain vigilant for any more potential threats, including packages of ham that is neither chipped nor chopped and sandwiches not using real Mancini’s Italian bread.
