The Pittsburgh Penguins brought in a local exorcist to PPG Paints Arena today to drive out stubborn or otherwise inept spirits of years past believed to be contributing to their poor play of late, according to sources close to the situation.
“To struggle with all that star power — makes you wonder what’s really going on,” said hockey pundit Sebastian Wiltman. “After the ninth undisciplined penalty or lifeless period, though, it becomes clear that there is some unholy presence afoot, most likely haunting defensemen with demands that they pinch in low-success situations or insisting that the team desperately try to hold on to its 1-0 lead after only eight minutes of play.”
“Imagine a voice in your head constantly yelling at you to make a stretch pass,” added Wiltman, visibly shaking afterwards. “Absolutely terrifying.”
Custodian Will Meyers, who is tasked with cleaning the locker room after games and practices, corroborated claims that the arena harbored ill-tempered spirits.
“I was sweeping up after that terrible [5-0] loss to Leafs,” he said, “and I could make out the sinister outlines of [former coaches Dan] Bylsma and [Mike] Johnston staring me right in the face. The exchange only lasted a couple seconds, but I swear Bylsma’s ghost must have said ‘puck-moving defensman’ and ‘Get it up the ice!’ at least 15 times. Johnston’s just kind of looked at me vacantly like he was overwhelmed.”
Meyers noted that he had experienced this kind of paranormal activity before.
“It was almost more harrowing than that time back at the Igloo,” he said. “I kept making sure all the doors were locked, but the ghost of Kevin Constantine wouldn’t stop screaming at me to tighten up in neutral zone. Aren’t ghosts supposed to have a greater purpose for haunting? He seemed content just watching me panic.”
As of press time, arena employees confirmed that the new presence currently waiting outside the locker room was not the ghost of Michel Therrien, but in fact Therrien himself, asking if there were any job openings on the coaching staff.
