Citing its superior effectiveness, the NHL has appointed Ryan Reaves’ right shoulder as director of its Player Safety Department, league executives announced this evening.
“No matter man, woman, amphibian, stray body part — the NHL will literally hire anyone, or anything, can do its job in a way that makes people happy,” said commissioner Gary Bettman. “And it seems Reaves’ right shoulder is just the joint for the job. In fact, with one swift course of action, this up-and-coming shoulder in our organization has already enacted more safety and meaningful punishment than we have, uh, well, I’m pretty sure ever.”
Deputy commissioner Bill Daly stated that it was the forward-thinking approach of Reaves’ shoudler that appealed to league officials most.
“This bone is taking us in a fresh new direction,” he said posing for a picture with the new hire. “For years, we’ve been trying to encourage players to avoid crossing the line with no success. Who’d have thought that giving somebody what they deserve would work so well?”
“Imagine reason and common sense guiding how the NHL handles discipline,” he added. “My head starts to hurt just thinking about it.”
