“Well-traveled” Hofbräuhaus patron Bill Hauser reportedly refused to chant “USA!” during last night’s Oktoberfest celebration unless it was done exclusively in German.
“It’s downright disrespectful,” said Hauser, who allegedly insists on referring to American reduced-calorie beers as hell (‘light’ in German) during September and October. “Both the restaurant and [Oktoberfest] holiday are older than our nation, I’m pretty sure, so the least we could do is use the native tongue when acknowledging that America’s the best goddamn country on the planet.”
“Otherwise, kind of goes against the spirit of the thing, don’t you think?”
Hauser continued to emphasize that common language was the only means to achieving meaningful cultural understanding.
“No German person is going to listen to you talk about how we kicked some kraut ass in the second World War in English,” he said. “Doing it in German shows that you put a little thought into what you have to say, that you actually care about how they feel being an inferior country.”
Those familiar with Hauser appeared unconvinced by his appeals after first-hand experiences, including a happy hour where he reportedly spent several hours instructing others how to pronounce “Straub” properly, only to have a vacationing German correct him.
“You should see people’s faces when he starts trying to speak German, especially to explain why America’s healthcare system is better than any country in Europe’s,” said co-worker Sarah Campbell. “Most of them just walk away by the fourth time he consults his paperback dictionary.”
“Or when he tries to speak German to somebody who is clearly an American,” added colleague Jamal Hudson. “No, Bill, she’s not from Munich — or should I say, München — she’s from Greensburg, so just ask for the ‘authentic’ ham sandwich on a pretzel bun in English.”
As of press time, Hauser was unwittingly thanking a visiting Berliner for calling him a fucking idiot in German.
