PITTSBURGH — Mayoral candidate Tony Moreno reverted to his base form of a winged fedora and fled the area after suffering defeat in yesterday’s primary election, goateed sources wearing wraparound sunglasses reported glumly this morning.
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Man Tries Getting Yinzer Dad to Support Charitable Cause by Pretending It High School Football Coach
EAST ALLEGHENY – Local man Derek Howson renewed efforts yesterday to get his father to back vital charitable causes in the Southwestern PA by reframing them as a suburban high school football coach, according to “exhausted” sources trying to connect the importance of transportation equity to mandatory summer conditioning restrictions.
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In light of the perilous road conditions, KDKA viewers should ensure that they demonstrate the utmost level of recklessness when tagging the station at numerous points during this morning’s commute, according to salivating sources staring at ratings reports.
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PITTSBURGH — ESPN’s Adam Schefter has reported that Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger fully intends to follow through with his ominous threat to return for another year, thus extending the seemingly endless cycle of hell that involves having to talk about this fucking guy.
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FRANKLIN PARK — Local resident Roger Whitmore, 63, wondered aloud this morning whether PennDOT drivers “actually do any damn work” after looking out his living room window for 12 seconds without seeing a single plow pass, according to retired sources who wished they “could get paid to do nothing.”
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SWISSVALE — Local woman Cindy ‘Cinderella’ Dobson has expressed her fear to fellow bar patrons that she will “make an idiot” of herself and turn back to her “boring, normal,” sober state of being as soon as the state’s on-site drinking ban goes into effect at 5 p.m. today.
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NORTH SIDE — Former Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl once again voted for himself as a write-in candidate on every ballot in today’s general elections, according to polling place sources who insisted he didn’t have to keep telling anybody nearby.
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FOX CHAPEL — Local mom Randi McCarthy surprised any trick-or-treaters from nearby Sharpsburg who visited her home this weekend by specifically “gifting” them a king-size copy of Ayn Rand’s ‘Atlas Shrugged’ in lieu of candy, according to elementary school sources unsure what to do with it.
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BROOKLINE — Local man Ryan Woodward, 46, has campaigned heavily around the neighborhood this week to ensure that trick-or-treaters only take as many cans of beer as they feel capable of drinking from the two 30-packs of IC Light he intends to leave on his steps Saturday evening, according to sources glad they “did the right the thing.”
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