PENN TOWNSHIP — Local dive regular Lou Parker has begun looking “dangerously well and high-spirited” since Covid-19 restrictions have forced him to eat between orders of light beer and shots of Imperial whiskey, concerned sources report.
Continue readingCategory: Current Events (Page 4 of 12)
The PIAA’s announcement to carry on with its fall sports schedule as planned has excited residents throughout the Greater Pittsburgh Area. In the current environment, however, it’ll be hard for parents to interact in ways that feel meaningful. That’s why we’ve tested three popular video call apps to let you know how you might best tell your kid’s fall sports coach that they’re a useless sack of shit who couldn’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
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MECHANICSBURG — Despite virus concerns, local dad Bill Meyers petitioned the PIAA yesterday to follow through with the state’s high school football schedule as planned for fear that canceling the season would deny kids a year of brain injuries “that would last a lifetime,” according to sources currently demanding his freshman son start at varsity QB.
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INDIANA, Penn. — Leaders at the IUP chapter of Phi Alpha Kappa released a stringent list of measures this morning aimed at protecting minors getting jungle juice at a party from Covid-19, sources yelling “Chug! Chug! Chug!” at a teenage freshman report.
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Listen, Jesus died for our sins. God’s only son sacrificed himself yadda yadda yadda — you know the deal. Anyway, letting him die on the cross to absolve us of our misgivings only not to have any would kind of be a dick move, right? Of course it would; I’m glad we’re on the same page.
Continue readingWhether on the air or yelling shrilly from her front porch, Maddy Judgeton never hesitates to give you the real, truth-seeking insight you can only get from a normative suburban woman who gets paid to be ‘edgy’ because people like listening to the news anymore. Today, Maddy tells you how to properly protest in the United States. (If you can’t see it, subscribe today at coil.com for access to this content and tons more satire:)
To the thousands who crowd the streets of Bloomfield every year for Little Italy Days:
The organizers of this annual event cannot thank you enough for the outpouring of support we’ve experienced. It’s what makes this message harder than ever.
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CARNEGIE — Despite a recent uptick in COVID-19 cases in Allegheny County, local man Paul Wright continues to refuse to wear a mask in public because he believes it makes him look stupid, the 34-year-old confirmed today while lounging in a child’s pool in his “absolute favorite” ‘Drink Up Yinz Bitches’ cutoff.
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It’s just the worst: you’re in one of the city’s hottest neighborhoods, idly protesting a horrific cycle of unchecked police brutality, when BOOM — you realize in the middle of being attacked by a chemical weapon outlawed in the Geneva Convention that you haven’t eaten ALL DAY.
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HARRISBURG — “Vicious Nazi overlord” and Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf faced a wave of criticism today for his COVID-19 response, “brutally” saving thousands of innocent lives, according to sources signing petitions to eliminate presidential term limits in favor of Donald Trump.
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