PITTSBURGH — Is the local economy collapsing? Researchers suggest it may be after another week of uncertainty forced only a dozen new craft breweries to open in the area, marking a substantial drop from the 39 that opened over the same period last week.
Continue readingCategory: Current Events (Page 6 of 12)
MENLO PARK, Calif. — Social media giant Facebook plans to appeal to fathers throughout the Rust Belt with a new “half-hearted, ‘attaboy’-like pat on the back” emoji, the company confirmed this morning.
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(This article was originally posted on The Omnibrow, a Pitt grad-led humor site, in 2011. It felt appropriate to indulge in some nostalgia as we approach Mother’s Day, so here it is.)
ROSS TOWNSHIP — Local elementary school educator Jerry Farnsworth, the fifth-grade teacher who inspired you to pursue a career in the natural sciences, is “rocking the shit out of [your mother],” she moaned in a statement today.
Mr. Farnsworth, 53, was seen approaching your mother during happy hour earlier this evening. Sources say Farnsworth sparked conversation with a witty biology quip, the one you quoted in your college essay about your academic role model.
After a round of Farnsworth’s amusing anecdotes, a skill that earned him your nomination as local educator of year, the two reportedly left the bar and hailed a nearby taxi.
It has been confirmed that Farnsworth, contrary to the adamant stance he took in fifth-grade sex education, has chosen not to wear a condom.
ERIE — Erie County’s move to the yellow stage of the Governor’s reopening plan has inspired local resident Rick Morris to seek out all the activities and opportunities that don’t exist in his hometown, sources figuring they’ll have this “wrapped up soon” confirm.
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As far as seasons go, winters are fairly predictable: they present characters basking in the pleasantness of Halloween or Thanksgiving, plunge them into a wretched tempest of overcast and polar vortexes, and then neatly wrap everything up with the coming of spring and the rebirth it embodies. Credits roll and people are content, if even a bit unsatisfied with how the New Year’s Eve scene played out, until the calendar rolls back around.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Communities throughout Southwestern Pennsylvania are calling on health experts to start summarizing their comprehensive, data-heavy, life-saving information on COVID-19 in the form of a singular convenient Steelers analogy.
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POLISH HILL — Given a recent plateauing of local COVID-19 cases, Pens fan Mark Baronowski prematurely ended his quarantine this morning after it seemed that the virus had “no shot in hell” of staging a comeback, sources with “more important shit to do” confirm.
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Oh my God, did you hear?! The O, an absolute legend for Pitt students and grads like me, is closing! It’s so sad that I might start crying. I mean, yeah, I would never go in there and actually buy food or anything, but I still didn’t want it to, like, shut down for good.
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OAKLAND — In a touching display, a mourner set a half-empty 40 of malt liquor and pile of grease-laden french fries on the Original Hot Dog Shop’s doorstep as a memorial to the now-closed eatery.
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*IMPORTANT NOTE FROM THE EDITOR* — UPDATED 5/21
Thank you dearly for actually reading this article before sharing it. When this post was published in April, it was purely satire. Now, Mark Cuban is, evidently, trying to buy the O. To that, the editorial board simply says this: LET’S GO, JAGOFF; TIME TO PROVE US WRONG OR LET THIS ARTICLE LIVE IN PERPETUAL GLORY UNTIL THE END OF DAYS.
OAKLAND — Pittsburgh-born mogul Mark Cuban announced today that he will invest in The Original Hot Dog Shop to save it from financial ruin, precisely as he did with the Pirates and Penguins franchises.
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