PITTSBURGH — Facing “insurmountable financial hardship,” a local Catholic parish altered today’s Easter homily to focus on less traditional canon of Jesus’s resurrection in favor of emphasizing how he “absolutely raked in the big bucks from the comfort his of grave” by using FanDuel.com, according to sources praying for pointers on today’s slate of MLB games.
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FINEVIEW — A Mason Rudolph jersey received as a joke gift at a 2019 holiday party now qualifies as North Side resident Dave Grimm’s “absolutely most prized” belonging, according to sources whispering kind words to the piece of apparel for the last hour.
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You navigate to your kitchen in a hoodie, only to find you’re quickly overcome with warmth. Sweat runs down your face, and you realize your affect reeks of an unidentified malaise. You were fine but a few a minutes ago, so it’s time to ask, are the fatal clutches of some phantom fever, heretofore unknown to humanity, lurking above you or is just, like, 84 or so degrees again for the first time your seasonally compromised memory can manage to recall?
As of press time, you decided the ailment might be identified as Buccos fever, which historically wanes within several weeks or, medical sources have noted, until Bryan Reynolds gets traded.
NORTH SHORE — Following a “torturous series of delays,” BetRivers has announced the official over-under for shirtless guys CBS will show on tonight’s Steelers-Raiders broadcast, according to sources considering a parlay with the number of fans dressed like Santa featured by the network.
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NORTH SIDE — A group of Pitt alumni heavily clad in official Pitt merchandise has briefly paused their exchange of Pitt stories at a tailgate for the Pitt-West Virginia game to express their collective thanks that they didn’t peak in high school “like some obsessed, homesick loser,” parking lot sources continue to loudly confirm.
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MARKET SQUARE — Upper St. Clair native Jaden Thompson, 30, spent yesterday emphasizing his “fierce dedication” to local brands and products, having mistaken his consumerism as a reflection of modest working-class values, according to sources hoping he won’t invite them back to Starbucks again.
“Jaden’s been pushing the yinzer self-narrative ever since he’s come into Bakery Square to take that systems analyst gig,” said co-worker Tim Bachmann. “I don’t he think he realizes the ‘412’ vanity plate on his Audi doesn’t do much when he tips people his 31 cents in change because ‘they didn’t even do that much.’ Honestly, I’ll just be happy if we can get him to stop asking, ‘What are yinz guys up to this weekend’ in that weirdly sterile tone of voice.”
“Also,” added Bachmann hurriedly, “if he asks me ‘Jeet jet?’ one more time, I’m going to punch him in the face.”
Other acquaintances of Thompson expressed equal confusion.
“I can’t tell if it’s serious or self-parody,” said former neighbor Tiara Walker. “He st ruts around in that ‘Keep Pittsburgh Shitty’ shirt, but won’t shut the hell up about ‘passive income.’ The ‘It’s Still Heinz Field to Me’ memes he posts are great and all, but maybe use that time to stop calling the city for our 71-year-old neighbor’s overgrown yard and help her handle it instead?”
Thompson used a request for comment to double-down on the source of his recently adopted identity.
“My kitchen speaks for itself,” he said, mentioning he hasn’t gone out to get his own groceries since 2018. “Mrs. T’s, Turner’s, Heinz — it’s all there. I might’ve grown up outside the city, but these blue-collar, black-and-gold habits go down hard, unlike this Yuengling, a beer truly made for a hard-working average Joe like myself.”
“Anyway, I’m pulling up DoorDash to get some Primanti’s,” he added with a smile. “Jeet jet?”
(Article credit → Joe Szalinski, @poetry_hugger)
POLISH HILL – Terminally ill Polish Hill resident Stanley Mroz has requested that his family turn him into kielbasa for purposes of research, according to sources attempting to say their goodbyes through discussions if brining human flesh “will take the edge off.”
“All the power to him,” said Mroz’s neighbor and cousin Gabriel Ludeso, “but not my power. Never again. I had a suspicion he would try something weird like this when he approached me at that party in ‘98 asking if I thought humankind could be ‘faster, stronger, and better complement a potato dish,’ so I relinquished his power of attorney a while ago.”
Other members of Mroz’s family expressed hesitation upon hearing his plan.
“Just another thing he does where he watches movies and gets unusual ideas,” said Mroz’s granddaughter Linda Stefinn, an expert in artificial intelligence. “He just re-watched Transcendence, so he asked me about trying to upload his consciousness into kielbasa, indefinitely extending his existence so he could keep doing kielbasa research on himself. He even seemed more sure of such a plan’s success if his human body became the kielbasa, too. Kind of wish he had put this kind of effort into making my softball games.”
Mroz addressed followers in a video on social media regarding his plea.
“This is the culmination of my studies,” he said as the video transitioned to a still of him pouring a kielbasa from one beaker to another. “I only hope in death I can continue to help others discover more regarding this wondrous sausage. At least, if I cannot change the world, perhaps I can be in its hearts, minds, and maybe even the stomach of some guy slammed at Gooski’s.”
At press time, Mroz had reportedly interrupted the priest’s last rites to ask him if Jesus had ever specified “an ideal fat ratio” for transubstantiation.
Local country fan Taylor Winters recovered from a several-year alcoholic haze spanning back to the 2018 Kenny Chesney show just in time this afternoon to have Heinz Field staff deny him entry to today’s concert due to excessive intoxication, sources relieved he appears to be breathing confirmed.
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(Headline by Colleen Nerney @nernstagram)
I’ll tell you what, for a city our size, the Pittsburgh area has got a pretty rich history of success. Just think of the names: Dan Marino. Johnny Unitas. Bruno Sammartino. Donnie Iris. Andy Warhol. Our town is home to some of the most dominant names in three of life’s most important things: football, wrestling, and…uh…other stuff.
Man, I bet those guys were swimming in babes. Probably had to fend them off with both hands. Now, I admit that I ain’t an expert in making stuff look like other stuff. Come on, you know what I mean. What do they call that? Art! That’s it.
Anyway, I ain’t no Piccolo, so when my daughter told me she had to do a project on Andy Warhol, I was more than happy to help. Figured it’d help me fill out another file in the mental cabinet of how Pittsburgh rocks harder than any town this side of the Atlantic.
Well, we’ve been looking into stuff for a few hours now…and, I don’t really know how else to say this, but…Andy Warhol seems like he was kinda…you know…gay.
Sorry, didn’t mean to blindside you like that.
Like, come on, his biggest piece of art is some cans of soup, so of course I’m thinking, hey, I like a good can of chicken noodle, so chief here must be a real stand-up guy. I always envisioned him throwing back a few Irons – OK, fine, maybe Rolling Rocks since he was doing pretty well for himself – and just hanging on the couch in his underwear watching the Bucs before going off to some fancy party in his muscle car.
But I guess he was having dudes pee on stuff for fun? Don’t get me wrong, me and the guys don’t mind a good leak on the side of the bar from time to time, but it felt like he made a whole hobby out of it.
Listen, far be it from me to tell you how to live, but can’t a guy just live with his 40-some wigs, go out in drag, and gush over pop darlings like Marilyn Monroe without throwing his sexaulity in my face? Like, maybe that’s what Mean Joe Greene did, but did you ever hear him getting in your business about it? Nope. Bet he went out there, fooled around with a few dudes, and got on with his day, for all I know.
Anyway, me and Andy still on good terms, far as I’m concerned; it just caught me a bit off-guard, ya know?
Yeesh, next thing you know, somebody’ll be telling me they don’t make in Heinz in Pittsburgh no more. Ha! That’d be crazy, huh?
Boo actually cheer, according to sources that go yay.
“Louis’s name naturally lends itself to a clever bit of witticism, if I do say so myself,” said Pens fan Kevin Black. “See, you think you’re booing him, but you are in reality giving him the boost of a life time.”
As of press time, nobody know why “Woo” or wave.
