Category: Nonsense (Page 1 of 18)

NORTH SHORE—Building on the club’s off-season activity, the Pittsburgh Pirates have launched a new ticket package campaign this morning aimed at “total fucking duds who have never better to do on a Wednesday, so they’d might as well go to a baseball game,” team sources confirm.

“What are these shut-ins going to do instead?” asked the franchise’s assistant director of marketing Gina Zellers, appearing to reject possible alternatives with a brief male masturbatory gesture. “Go to trivia night? News for you, buddy: you don’t know anything because you just watch short-form videos on your couch and listen exclusively to music released between 2003 and 2009. Instead of pretending you still have enough hair to swoop, why not come to a Buccos game instead, you sack of shit?”

Pirates operations spokesperson Kevin Cooney discussed how the fresh campaign mirrors the team’s “more aggressive” tactics in the winter.

“We know Skenes games are an instant sellout and getting Griffin in the lineup is sure to help fill seats on a day-to-day basis,” he said. “But we need to be a complete program, from top to bottom, so what do you do when you’ve got a long reliever making the extra start and Jared Triolo is in the clean-up spot? Easy: you tell these nobodies that their FL Studio beats are dogshit, their Instagram art is derivative and toothless, and they’re better off spending three hours at PNC Park sucking down domestic tall boys and hand-scooping nachos cheese into their gullet.”

Cooney admitted concern that fans would balk at what he described as the team “shooting from the hip,” but some fans found the approach refreshing.

“Have the signings been the big splash that’s going to change the franchise? No, probably not,” said Ryan Fields of Bellevue. “But as the team has assured me via online newsletters and personalized DMs on social media, I’m an unlikable tool who’s terminally online and should come to a game if I think I know so much. I appreciate that candor. It shows they’re not planning to be pushovers this year and, frankly, they’re kind of got me figured out.”

As of press time, the team had also announced that Wednesday packages purchased this week would include 15 dollars loaded value “so maybe you actually have to talk to somebody” and a tiny violin.

GREENFIELD—A combination of several rescue crews worked for several hours this afternoon to save a five-ounce fish fillet caught under nearly 4,000 pounds of fried batter, onlookers reported.

“A handful of Good Samaritans held the fort before professionals could arrive,” said fish fry volunteer Deb Szewiczyk. “The two bigger gentlemen were biting off as much as their mouth while people got them tartar sauce and some light beer, but you can only do so much without the right tools. We’re just thankful our local heroes were able to save the little darling, so it could get tossed into a Styrofoam container of mac and cheese like it deserved.”

Lieutenant Allison Marshall of the Munhall Fire Department detailed hardships that crews faced completing the rescue.

“Every scene like this is different,” she said, wiping fryer oil from her brow. “Lot of times you see some weak points in the exterior fry to enter. Not here, though: this bad boy must’ve been triple, maybe even quadruple-battered, which meant we had to put in a lot of effort just to achieve ingress. You could tell that little fillet in there was a tender and flaky one, too, so we had to take extra precautions or the tiny thing could’ve fallen right apart in our hands before we could complete the rescue.”

Crews had little time to celebrate, however, as safety officials confirmed they were called shortly thereafter to remove a french fry that had gotten lodging under 700 pounds of Old Bay seasoning.

WEST MIFFLIN — Calling the experience “more ass than the Steelers offense,” high school sophomore Bobby Kline has spent the last two hours avoiding remote learning assignments by carving the decal of radio station 102.5 WDVE into his Chromebook, according to sources who told him to cover the damage with a sticker because they sure as shit ain’t paying the insurance on it.

Some folks can’t get enough of the sauce—any sauce. They think the toppings party keeps rolling on and on, but for three long years now, Sam McGrady has escaped the condiment-heavy cycle he’s described as “self-abuse,” thanks to the support of friends, family, and his wife, Kim.

PITTSBURGH — Local safety officials finished rescuing several NFL defenders yesterday after the players were discovered late Sunday afternoon stranded partway up Steelers TE Darnell Washington.

Whoa there! It’s me. Here. Now. I am me…me.

But who else would I be if not myself?

Well, let’s grasp at something philosophical, say, to help “me” figure it out.

I think…therefore, ah ha! Yes, I think — therefore, I am.

But what I am, well, I haven’t the faintest of a clue. That won’t do. That clever little Descartes, his witty bits of thought prancing about like a cat — crafty devils, those ones, oh yes indeed — that improbably jumps to and from and off into freedom just the second you think you have it firmly by the whiskers.

GREATER PITTSBURGH AREA — Regional convenience store chain GetGo has unveiled pumpkin spice tire air available immediately to all customers, sources report.

“This exciting new product will act as a perfect complement to our fall offerings like pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin milkshakes, and the ‘Jack-O-Lantern’ — our chicken sub lathered in pumpkin bisque and then deep fried to perfection,” spokesperson Jan Fulner told reporters. “You’ve been helping yourself to our free air for almost two decades at this point, and now, for a small premium, you’ll be able to fill your tires to your designated PSI using our new patented pumpkin spice technology. Sure, there will be no access to our unscented free air while the seasonal product is offered, but who wouldn’t want to spice up their tires as part of a $250 trip to Trax or Soergel Farms?”

Customer Tamika Hillis was confused and irritated by the new offering.

“The only reason I seek out GetGo is so I don’t have to pay three bucks to fill up my tires, which I obviously have to do more frequently now that it’s getting colder outside,” Hillis said. “The fact that it was free made it tolerable to awkwardly park and wait next to the person who’s always already there filling up their tires. Now I have to pay ten dollars for my tire air just so it smells vaguely like a pumpkin as it’s coming out of the hose? Maybe they should pump it into their bathrooms instead.”

Hillis continued, becoming visibly angrier as she spoke.

“Not everything has to be this pumpkin bullshit, you know?” Hillis noted. “I love to wear hoodies and watch the leaves change color as much as the next person, but having these nasty-ass coffees and beers that taste like pumpkin pie that somebody vomited sugar all over isn’t going to help me enjoy a season that, thanks to the climate change that companies like these are directly causing, is getting shorter and shorter every year. And now you’re telling me that I’m going to be subjected to this when I go to fill up my tires? Fuck that. I’ll just go to Sheetz. Their little product nicknames are stupid, but at least their air doesn’t smell like anything.”

At press time, Sheetz had also announced new “Pumpkin Shpice” tire air, free with purchase of a car wash featuring “Pumpkin Shpice Shoap.”

Article by Steve Packosky (@dontbaketheloaf.bsky.social)

SOUTH SIDE – Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was once again caught watching 2005 9/11 conspiracy documentary “Loose Change” instead of his assigned game film in preparation for their Thursday night match-up against the Bengals, exasperated sources report.

“I’ve discussed this with Aaron,” Mike Tomlin told reporters, “and we both agree that it’s time for him to brush up on the Bengals’ defense and how they’ve adapted their rushing game after Trey Hendrickson’s back injury. A movie with a narrative about how the hole left in the Pentagon on 9/11 was inconsistent with what Boeing 757s had made in prior accidents isn’t going to prepare him for Al Golden’s 4-3 base as well as actual game film does. We both now feel the conspiracy stuff is better utilized in his personal life. He looks better in a black and gold helmet than a tinfoil one, anyway.”

However, Rodgers seemed to have a different understanding of the issue.

“Coach T and I have both agreed that he’d benefit from opening up his mind a bit,” Rodgers noted. “In fact, it seems everybody here would, because you have no idea what’s going on in the world. Maybe doing some research instead of pumping your bodies with vaccines and Tylenol would help you all to realize Big Pharma’s been pulling the wool over your eyes for years. And when it comes to 9/11, do you honestly think our government had nothing to do with it? Please.”

When pressed on what all of this had to do with his performance on the field, he continued.

“The issue has been taken care of,” Rodgers said cryptically. “You can return to your safe little bubbles with your Netflix and your Jimmy Kimmel, and leave the football to me. It’s obvious that you believe your reality is limited to what your senses are telling you. Have you ever been on a life-changing Peruvian ayahuasca journey? I have, and if I feel my enhanced awareness of my surroundings leads me down alternative paths to ensure I’m at the top of my game, I will pursue them. By the way, did you know there were eyewitness reports of unrelated explosions at the ground level of the North Tower?”

At press time, Rodgers was seen trying to goad Broderick Jones into watching the rest of the movie with him.

Article by Steve Packosky

@dontbaketheloaf.bsky.social