HAYS — Local “kink” Paul Hammerschmidt refuses to perform oral sex on a partner’s anal cavity with any aid other than Heinz ketchup, according to sources “absolutely disgusted” by the notion of using an alternative brand or condiment.
Continue readingCategory: Nonsense (Page 6 of 18)
SOUTH SIDE FLATS — 1,271-year-old leprechaun Donegal O’Shannassey, whose stature resembles that of a normal human due to gigantism, “has had enough” of heavily intoxicated St. Paddy’s revelers mistaking him for a fellow partier refusing to break character, according to sources insisting they would prefer to be left alone over an Irish Car Bomb.
“Aye, another year of suffering among this staggering collection of imbeciles,” said O’Shannassey, groaning as a 20-something patron in a “Fuck Me, I’m Irish” shirt posed with him for a selfie. “My kind is known for saying, ‘Don’t break your shin on a stool that’s not in your way,’ but I might break a glass in a human’s fucking face if they ask one more time about my ‘Lucky Charms.’ Suppose this is why Santa recommended I go out in a hoodie.”
The creature lamented that the holiday’s tendency for excess nullifies what makes his presence a worthwhile experience.
“In the old days, everybody had a charming tale about some wee craic they had with Donegal one March afternoon,” it said. “Now when I try to pull a harmless practical joke, some hare-brained, blithering meat sack nicknamed Dump Truck tries to pummel me into dust. Besides, how am I supposed to stir up mischief when I just watched a lad clog the bathroom sinks with paper towels and then vomit in each one of them? Mary and Joseph, I’m an eons-old prankster, not a monster.”
Several celebrants have complimented the ageless being’s demeanor and appearance, which they’ve mistaken for a carefully orchestrated act.
“That dude’s commitment is epic,” said bargoer Pete Haddad, oblivious that he was asking a millennium-old supernatural lifeform if it wanted a shot of Fireball. “He must’ve had to practice that voice for hours: I knocked him out a couple hours back with a rear naked choke and when he came to, he started cursing in, like, Yiddish or whatever without missing a beat. I’m still not convinced it isn’t my buddy Kevin, though.”
As of press time, sources report that O’Shannassey is hurriedly chugging a pint after a group of young men announced they plan to honor it with 39 consecutive jukebox plays of the “traditional Irish classic” ’Shipping Off to Boston’ by the Dropkick Murphys. ♣
PPG PAINTS ARENA — Data gathered from the Pens first home game with fans in attendance since last March indicate that face masks appear to offer spectators almost no protection from the “insufferable shitheads” who won’t stop yelling two rows up.
“Sure, the mask helps muffle it a bit from blowing out your eardrum,” said fan and impromptu researcher Mark Ford, “but otherwise the evidence suggests that neither hot air gathering in the fabric nor fatigue from time away seems capable of stopping this jagoff from wooing like Ric Flair or telling a player whose name he doesn’t know that he sucks.”
As of press time, the Pens were urged, “yet again,” to shoot the puck despite the game not having started.
GREENFIELD — City-issued signs informed Frank Street residents with no prior warning this morning that Pittsburgh Water & Sewer Authority may require access to their usual on-street parking spots for repair work over the next two to 7,914 weeks, sources asking if they could squeeze their sedan in a buddy’s extra parking pad space for the next 151 years confirm.
Continue reading
MOON TOWNSHIP — Pittsburgh International Airport announced plans to add “lol jk” in very small font after “International” in its name to reflect the true status of its foreign flight offerings.
Continue reading
Mario Mario of Nintendo fame died this afternoon after crashing head-first into a South Side Slopes home, having mistaken it for a shortcut to the bottom of the hill. He is survived by his brother Luigi and many friends in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Continue reading
NORTH SHORE — Steelers fans remained cautiously optimistic this morning as NFL insiders have reported that the team is considered the front runner to sign former JV standout linebacker AJ Watt, amateur flag football backup kicker Stuart Watt, and former “refreshment manager” and Kenosha, WI hot dog-eating champion Bubba Watt, all of whom share a distant relation to the NFL’s Watt brothers.
Continue reading
In light of the perilous road conditions, KDKA viewers should ensure that they demonstrate the utmost level of recklessness when tagging the station at numerous points during this morning’s commute, according to salivating sources staring at ratings reports.
Continue reading
The ultimate occasion of love and intimacy has arrived: Valentine’s Day. The pandemic may have snuffed out your plans for a ‘traditional’ holiday outing, but luckily the gambino of good vibes and godfather of getting frisky — that’s right — Penguins historian Bob Grove has just what you need to keep things as fun and exciting as 20-year-old Mark Recchi recording his first NHL tally with a timely poke past Winnipeg Jets goaltender Pokey Reddick at the 17:42 mark of the second period in a 7-3 loss on January 20, 1989. If that doesn’t start getting your blood flowing, then check your pulse!
Continue reading
I mean, it’s not rude if it’s true: I’m from Erie where we get lake-effect snow all the time, so I just have lots of experience — that’s all. As such, I happen to have a better grasp of driving in snow than people in Pitts—oh shit, oh fuck, oh shit — hold on!
Continue reading
