Category: Nonsense (Page 6 of 17)

By Owner and Patriot, John R. Block

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very few years, I make no little effort to convince myself that this hapless bastard we’ve so generously nicknamed ‘voting’ is a blessing, even if only to placate every odious lemming who mills aimlessly about, costing a hard-working oligarch charitable enough to employ the layabout a precious sixpence and himself any modicum of gratuity as I’m forced to suffer the indignity of heating some broth while my DoorDash order grows cold in the, no doubt, dungeon of his passenger seat.

Oh. My. God. Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Ohmygod.

Let’s get right to the important stuff: we call him ‘Sebie’ (like “See-Bee”), he is the absolute cutest, and now he’s found his forever home! Just look at that smile.

Welcome to Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s Santa Tracker 2020! We spent the night hunting down this wily son of a bitch to give you the most accurate updates on where Santa’s been and how his annual visit is faring. Find out for yourself below:

OVERBROOK — Pens fan Joe Morries officially ended 19 years of animosity today by removing the “off” duct-taped to his Jagr jersey after the star’s contentious departure to the Washington Capitals in 2001, according to sources who hope the 48-year-old Czech didn’t take the threatening letters made of Shop n’ Save clippings too hard.

I don’t care if people think this is “offensive.” I couldn’t care less if I’m not being “politically correct” or “inclusive.” After this turd-swirl of a year, it is time to put the “Christ” back in “Christ, Bowser Automotive has some amazing holiday deals” already.

SCHENLEY PARK — Employees at the Schenley ice rink’s skate rental desk have undergone a fact-checking mission to determine if local eighth-grader Kyle Carmichael does in fact require a massive, sized-14 pair of skates despite standing at only 5’1″, according to sources staring decidedly at the 7.5 Adidas tennis shoes he placed on the counter prior to the request.

Hardcore Steelers fan Bill Huston hopes that nobody in his office’s afternoon Zoom meeting notices him open yet another IC Light, despite already publicly appearing shirtless and surrounded by team memorabilia, sources trying to “keep this shit on the DL” confirm.

UNIONTOWN — The Eiffert family fondly recalls their meticulously researched, “once-in-a-lifetime” vacation to the West Coast costing more than $4000 based solely on the impromptu $29 stop at regional chain In-n-Out Burger, according to sources wishing they could at least take the receipt down from the mantle when hosting guests.