SOUTH SIDE – Local bargoer and self-described “champion of the environment” Bart Elliott would gladly finish the remaining several ounces of your domestic draft beer “if you ain’t gonna,” according to sources shouting “Now this is music!” every time an AC/DC or Black Sabbath song comes on the jukebox.
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BELLEVUE — Local father Gary Barnes, 63, is currently sipping on a glass of plain water, completely unaided by added flavor powders, liquids, or an accompanying pour of scotch, several astonished sources confirmed.
“We have to believe age is a key factor,” said head researcher and daughter Crystal Barnes. “I watched him eye up an Old Milwaukee across the patio, but after trying to stand up, he thought better of it. I suppose the 17th kidney stone may have finally been enough. That said, since the Crystal Pepsi Deceit of the early 90s, nobody in the family could believe it was regular tap water until on-site taste tests confirmed it.”
As of press time, Mr. Barnes continued to astound observers, after they all participated in a conversation without his contributing a single prejudiced comment.
WEST MIFFLIN – Local man Bill Fischer appeared in yesterday’s episode of popular MTV program ‘Cribs’ to show off his “lavish penthouse” highlighted by its three bedrooms, basement toilet, and numerous standalone air conditioning units occupying virtually every window of the house.
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WEXFORD – Lifetime suburbanite Patrick Faust felt “completely heartbroken” yesterday due to unsubstantiated, speculative claims about the city of Pittsburgh where he has neither lived nor visited more than twice in a calendar year.
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CANONSBURG — A local steak salad made with the intention of “healthy eating” clocked in at a staggering 1400 calories this afternoon, according to unwitting sources claiming it’s “fucking bomb.”
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ATLANTIC OCEAN – A Kraft Heinz tanker sustained substantial exterior damage off the Eastern Shore of Virginia this morning, leading to a “catastrophe-level” spill of crude ketchup in the Atlantic Ocean, according to sources pushing for more stringent restrictions against the food conglomerate.
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SHADYSIDE — Calling it “the next big thing,” local fashion company Three Rivers Fash-Yinz unveiled their latest line of shirts this morning, which appeared nearly identical to double-XL giveaway T-shirt provided at professional sporting events.
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LAUSANNE, Switzerland — The International Olympic Committee approved a new event this morning where competitors will have to heave a single reusable bag over their head full of every item you bought from your recent visit to the Strip, according to sources excited to “push the limits of human strength.”
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The Pens aren’t out of it yet! Here’s three simple ways the team can still pull out the series win that aren’t the wild, directionless plots of a fatigued, hungover maniac and 157 more that could help the team, but may also be a sign of playoff hockey-induced mental decline.
1. Get more traffic in front
2. Chip and chase early to back the Isles D out of the neutral zone
3. You’ve been the better team, so don’t overreact
4. Storm the arena control room and blast ‘Renegade’ all game long
5. The four most dangerous consecutive words in the English language: Jean—Claude—Van—Damme
6. Run the football
7. Fire Mike Tomlin
8. Travel in time and stop 9/11
9. Play Sonic 3 until you’ve disassociated enough from reality to convince yourself they’ve actually won the series / forget to re-engage with humanity
10. *incoherent screaming*
11. Give up and hope for pity
12. Dan Byls—hey, where are you going?
13. Chess deathmatch
14. Get Tristan Jarry a neat little Game of Thrones shirt that says, “That’s what I do: I give away the puck and know things,” so he knows we’re mad, but we still love him
15. Wouldn’t hurt to go for, like, a walk or something
16. Bionic Lemieux
17. *glass breaks* STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! THE RATTLESNAKE CHARGES THE RING AND HE’S MAD AS HELL!
18. Establish dominance on power play…with the air-to-surface superiority of the A-10 Warthog
19. Send erotic DBZ fan fiction to Islanders to distract the Islanders in disgust or excite the weird ones
20. Breathe in for luck
21. Breathe in so deep
22. This air is blessed
23. You share with me
24. This night is wild
25. So calm and dull
26. These hearts they race
27. From self-control
28. Your legs are smooth
29. As they graze mine
30. We’re doing fine
31. We’re doing nothing at all
32. My hopes are so high
33. That your kiss might kill me
34. So won’t you kill me
35. So I die happy
36. My heart is yours to fill or burst
37. To break or bury
38. Or wear as jewelry
39. Whichever you prefer
40. WWJWBD? (What Would John-Wilkes Booth Do?)
41. Assassinate Abraham Lincoln
42. Google “what if abraham lincoln never assassinated penguins 2021”
43. Trial by combat
44. Try up up down down left right left right A B start
45. Trial by Contra: Hard Corps
46. Start Isles playing Battletoads so they get to hard-as-shit tunnel part just as puck drops
47. Prayer?
48. Get three points off of Jeff Reed’s toe, here we go
49. Distract everybody in Long Isle who might go to a game by putting a Journey cover band outside
50. Honestly, maybe just some good ol’ fashioned death threats
51. Giiiiiant Eagle, so simple for you fe fi fo fum
52. Point to the Wrestlemania sign to buy yourself some time to regroup before the big PPV match-up
53. SKATE! SKATE! SKATE SKATE! SKATE! SKATE! SKATE SKATE SKATE SKATE! SKATE!
54. Give Tristan Jarry one of those cool, snappy hockey nicknames: Tristy? Trister? That could work…right?
55. Watch Mallrats again and get sad that cinema peaked for you in 1995
56. Just ask them politely to let you win; couldn’t hurt
57. Put fries on it
58. What if, just hear me out, we yell ‘Pass!’ instead?
59. Screw Flanders
60. Screw Flanders
61. Screw Flanders
62. Screw Flanders
63. Screw Flanders
64. Screw Flanders
65. Screw Flanders
66. Screw Flanders
67. Screw Flanders
68. Screw Flanders
69. nice
70. A new hobby instead of hockey, as our therapist suggests, might not be the worst idea
71. Ok…that’s it
72. We’re good — seriously
73. No issues here, nope; just a healthy relationship with hockey
74. Won’t see us acting out again — unless…
75-160. *sustained Ric Flair woo*
Logan Martin might be the most Pittsburgh baby you’ve ever heard of: the son of third-generation ‘Burghers, he was wrapped in a Terrible Towel at birth, loves finger-sized dollops of Heinz ketchup, and just last week got baptized as a Roman Catholic with water taken straight from the Monongahela!
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