ON A RAGING SEA BACK TO THE MEDITERRANEAN — The final cancellation of Little Italy Days has forced “100% full-blooded” Neapolitan kettle corn vendor Pepe Verratti to abandon his dream of serving the family’s world-famous goods at “the world’s most authentic Italian heritage festival” and seek out the first merchant ship back home, disappointed sources confirm.
Continue readingCategory: Nonsense (Page 9 of 18)
BLOOMFIELD — Researchers “looking for a stiff drink” have compiled overwhelming evidence that the bar they entered also serves as a fully functional house, sources trying not to stare at the family photos while they urinate confirm.
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AVALON — UPMC customer Josh Clifford had no idea a neat little surprise awaited him when he got home from work today.
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The Heinz Kraft Company plans to release a pumpkin ketchup in the Pittsburgh area because “fuck you, you’re going to buy this bottled viscous shit, aren’t you?”, representatives at the food giant bet today.
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STOWE TOWNSHIP — Local man George Rowe reportedly instructed his son yesterday on how to “hit the 57” of a glass Heinz bottle to stimulate the flow of ketchup with the wisdom and reverence of a master swordsman teaching a plucky youth destined for greatness the way of the blade.
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Certain free thought-influenced changes have altered Maddy’s take on masks (definitely not anything related to identity politics), BUT she won’t step defending her Constitutional rights when it comes to the lib-driven tyranny that defines wearing pants. If you’re a Coil member, check the video below! If not, then sign up here for just $5 to get tons of exclusive online comedy.
Oh, 1998. My little Bradley was a sprite, wholesome 14-year-old who could do no wrong, so when he begged and begged me to buy him something about a “Limp Bizkit,” I first thought…well, I first thought it doesn’t sound very appetizing! I’m sorry: sometimes my mischievous streak gets the best of me.
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ROSS TOWNSHIP — Pittsburgh-based “financial whiz” Drew McCarthy’s only suggestion to clients has been to “invest” in numerous plays of his wife’s birthday in the Pennsylvania Lottery PICK 4 drawing, frustrated sources with beer spilled all over printouts of their 401k projections confirm.
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Listen, Jesus died for our sins. God’s only son sacrificed himself yadda yadda yadda — you know the deal. Anyway, letting him die on the cross to absolve us of our misgivings only not to have any would kind of be a dick move, right? Of course it would; I’m glad we’re on the same page.
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OAKLAND — No investor, staff member, or anyone associated with Arby’s has “an inkling of a goddamn clue” how one of its franchises managed to fit into the Bridge on Forbes luxury apartment building near Pitt campus, confused sources report.
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