Category: Nonsense (Page 9 of 20)

OVERBROOK — Pens fan Joe Morries officially ended 19 years of animosity today by removing the “off” duct-taped to his Jagr jersey after the star’s contentious departure to the Washington Capitals in 2001, according to sources who hope the 48-year-old Czech didn’t take the threatening letters made of Shop n’ Save clippings too hard.

I don’t care if people think this is “offensive.” I couldn’t care less if I’m not being “politically correct” or “inclusive.” After this turd-swirl of a year, it is time to put the “Christ” back in “Christ, Bowser Automotive has some amazing holiday deals” already.

SCHENLEY PARK — Employees at the Schenley ice rink’s skate rental desk have undergone a fact-checking mission to determine if local eighth-grader Kyle Carmichael does in fact require a massive, sized-14 pair of skates despite standing at only 5’1″, according to sources staring decidedly at the 7.5 Adidas tennis shoes he placed on the counter prior to the request.

Hardcore Steelers fan Bill Huston hopes that nobody in his office’s afternoon Zoom meeting notices him open yet another IC Light, despite already publicly appearing shirtless and surrounded by team memorabilia, sources trying to “keep this shit on the DL” confirm.

UNIONTOWN — The Eiffert family fondly recalls their meticulously researched, “once-in-a-lifetime” vacation to the West Coast costing more than $4000 based solely on the impromptu $29 stop at regional chain In-n-Out Burger, according to sources wishing they could at least take the receipt down from the mantle when hosting guests.

SOUTHWESTERN PENNSYLVANIA — The Kraft Heinz Company will be using the region as its primary test market for new 15.5-gallon ketchup kegs, the food conglomerate explained in a press release earlier today.

2020 Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders “sincerely regrets” refusing a escort through the Fort Pitt Tunnel to commiserate with the struggles of “everyday Pittsburghers,” the frustrated 77-year-old reported from his second hour in Parkway West traffic on his way to a get-out-and-vote event this morning.”