SHADYSIDE — Local resident Mike Fuller hopes “absolute fucking legend” and Mt. Lebanon native Mark Cuban can still save his marriage, even though the billionaire was unable to outbid an offer from mid-sized Mero Restaurant Group to save Oakland mainstay Original Hot Dog Shop.
Continue readingCategory: Nonsense (Page 9 of 18)
I’ve gone too far this time. That’s it, I’m done for. Jesus, why am I such an idiot?
“You’ve done this a hundred times before; you just feel a little different,” I told myself. “Just blast the cold air right on you and you’ll be fine,” I said. “Nothing bad will happen to you. You’re too smart,” I insisted. Shows what I know. Please, honestly, I just need your help…ANY help.
You guessed it: I’m currently at Eat n’ Park and — dear God, I can’t believe I’m saying this right now — I’m stone sober.
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ON A RAGING SEA BACK TO THE MEDITERRANEAN — The final cancellation of Little Italy Days has forced “100% full-blooded” Neapolitan kettle corn vendor Pepe Verratti to abandon his dream of serving the family’s world-famous goods at “the world’s most authentic Italian heritage festival” and seek out the first merchant ship back home, disappointed sources confirm.
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BLOOMFIELD — Researchers “looking for a stiff drink” have compiled overwhelming evidence that the bar they entered also serves as a fully functional house, sources trying not to stare at the family photos while they urinate confirm.
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AVALON — UPMC customer Josh Clifford had no idea a neat little surprise awaited him when he got home from work today.
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The Heinz Kraft Company plans to release a pumpkin ketchup in the Pittsburgh area because “fuck you, you’re going to buy this bottled viscous shit, aren’t you?”, representatives at the food giant bet today.
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STOWE TOWNSHIP — Local man George Rowe reportedly instructed his son yesterday on how to “hit the 57” of a glass Heinz bottle to stimulate the flow of ketchup with the wisdom and reverence of a master swordsman teaching a plucky youth destined for greatness the way of the blade.
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Certain free thought-influenced changes have altered Maddy’s take on masks (definitely not anything related to identity politics), BUT she won’t step defending her Constitutional rights when it comes to the lib-driven tyranny that defines wearing pants. If you’re a Coil member, check the video below! If not, then sign up here for just $5 to get tons of exclusive online comedy.
Oh, 1998. My little Bradley was a sprite, wholesome 14-year-old who could do no wrong, so when he begged and begged me to buy him something about a “Limp Bizkit,” I first thought…well, I first thought it doesn’t sound very appetizing! I’m sorry: sometimes my mischievous streak gets the best of me.
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ROSS TOWNSHIP — Pittsburgh-based “financial whiz” Drew McCarthy’s only suggestion to clients has been to “invest” in numerous plays of his wife’s birthday in the Pennsylvania Lottery PICK 4 drawing, frustrated sources with beer spilled all over printouts of their 401k projections confirm.
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