Category: Nonsense (Page 9 of 19)

Hardcore Steelers fan Bill Huston hopes that nobody in his office’s afternoon Zoom meeting notices him open yet another IC Light, despite already publicly appearing shirtless and surrounded by team memorabilia, sources trying to “keep this shit on the DL” confirm.

UNIONTOWN — The Eiffert family fondly recalls their meticulously researched, “once-in-a-lifetime” vacation to the West Coast costing more than $4000 based solely on the impromptu $29 stop at regional chain In-n-Out Burger, according to sources wishing they could at least take the receipt down from the mantle when hosting guests.

SOUTHWESTERN PENNSYLVANIA — The Kraft Heinz Company will be using the region as its primary test market for new 15.5-gallon ketchup kegs, the food conglomerate explained in a press release earlier today.

2020 Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders “sincerely regrets” refusing a escort through the Fort Pitt Tunnel to commiserate with the struggles of “everyday Pittsburghers,” the frustrated 77-year-old reported from his second hour in Parkway West traffic on his way to a get-out-and-vote event this morning.”

SHADYSIDE — Pittsburgh law firm Ferris, Ferris, Ferris and Klein faced controversy today for “a reckless disregard for commercialism,” reportedly avoiding obnoxious television and radio ads in favor of a tasteful brick and glass facade adorned with the firm’s name as the only indication that the reputable legal business even exists.

I’ve gone too far this time. That’s it, I’m done for. Jesus, why am I such an idiot?

“You’ve done this a hundred times before; you just feel a little different,” I told myself. “Just blast the cold air right on you and you’ll be fine,” I said. “Nothing bad will happen to you. You’re too smart,” I insisted. Shows what I know. Please, honestly, I just need your help…ANY help.

You guessed it: I’m currently at Eat n’ Park and — dear God, I can’t believe I’m saying this right now — I’m stone sober.

ON A RAGING SEA BACK TO THE MEDITERRANEAN — The final cancellation of Little Italy Days has forced “100% full-blooded” Neapolitan kettle corn vendor Pepe Verratti to abandon his dream of serving the family’s world-famous goods at “the world’s most authentic Italian heritage festival” and seek out the first merchant ship back home, disappointed sources confirm.