PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Mrs. T’s Pierogies announced yesterday that the company will release new potato and cheddar face masks available immediately in grocery chains throughout the region.
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HARRISBURG — Having just realized Pennsylvania beer distributors were permitted to stay open, Pittsburgh resident Clint Price reportedly has “not a damn clue” what he is supposed to do with the lit Molotov Cocktail he intended to throw at the state capitol building.
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STRIP DISTRICT — Local woman Nicole Steadman is reportedly waiting to ask a vendor in the Strip District if they have their ‘Fuck Tom Brady’ T-shirt in kids sizes after determining it to be the ideal Christmas gift for her seven-year-old niece.
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OAKLAND, Calif. — Former Raiders WR Antonio Brown commissioned a billboard this morning thanking the city for “not a single goddamn thing” following his release from the team, sources waving the middle finger while leaving town report.
“May my shining legacy,” Brown stated, “be how much I wish the people of Oakland and the Raiders organization in particular to eat shit for all eternity.”
As of press time, Derek Carr was reportedly begging Brown to stop and let him get out from under his rear tires.
Penguins winger Phil Kessel celebrated tallying his 1200th career large pizza last night during the team’s 3-2 overtime win against the Florida Panthers.
“I just have so many people I want to thank,” he said, covered in an array of sweat, tears, and garlic butter. “All my friends and family for always believing I could consume this many large pies entirely on my own, Domino’s for its relentless commitment to delivering pizzas to me in arenas and hotels dotted throughout the continent, and of course the Penguins organization for helping me aim to binge-eat at the highest level these past for years.”
Meanwhile, team captain Sidney Crosby reportedly rewarded himself for reaching 1200 career points with a relaxing post-game CrossFit extreme workout.
Despite the end of winter weather, PennDOT has issued a warning overnight to Pittsburgh motorists reminding them that roadways may still be covered with dangerous patches of other Pittsburgh motorists this morning.
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Mayor Bill Peduto has allegedly stood outside Jeff Bezos’s house since early this morning, loudly reciting the Amazon mogul’s favorite tax concessions in hopes of winning him and his company back to the Pittsburgh area.
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Local paranormal experts were finally able to defeat the evil spirit that has ominously lingered over Pitt’s Oakland campus since 2016, sources inside the Peterson Event Center confirmed last night.
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Former WTAE anchor Wendy Bell reportedly drove a dump truck full of stones to her new glass house in KDKA radio’s studio this morning in preparation for her position as co-host of the station’s afternoon show that begins after the new year.
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Steelers kicker Chris Boswell is still exhaling in relief after not having to attempt a game-tying field goal last night against the Saints, friends and family routinely checking on him confirmed.
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