TORONTO—In a position to make the postseason for the first time since 2022, the Penguins’ resurgent push for a playoff berth collapsed last night after the NHL determined Ab McDonald’s Cup-winning goal in April of 1961 was offside, forcing 26 franchises to fold immediately as the league will resume operations from 65 years ago effective tomorrow, according to sources “sorry to share, but the rules are the rules.”
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WEST MIFFLIN — Local high school senior Bryan Franks started preparations for the upcoming Penguins season this morning by promptly leaving the building after second period, according to sources watching Franks crack a beer from his trunk.
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BRIGHTON HEIGHTS — Local boozing veteran Dave Wisnewski “looked better than ever” during his alcohol binge for the first week of the NFL season despite not drinking for the entirety of the preseason, amazed sources still finding crushed beer cans he stowed away reported Sunday night.
“You hear all the stories about how these older guys can’t hack it,” said Wisnewski’s neighbor Sam Hutchinson, 28. “Everybody says they’ve got too much going on between the back spams, the elbow they hyperextended playing horseshoes, the dialysis—the whole shebang. Then my buddy Dave comes in here and puts up 15 beers and eight shots of Fireball in six hours like he hasn’t missed a beat.”
“Turning the clock back, this guy,” added Hutchinson.
General managers in the local bar circuit expressed uncertainty when Wisnewski, entering his 25th season of football-adjacent alcohol consumption, agreed to a modest deal to drink nothing but Michelob Ultra late this off-season.
“You see these long-time stalwarts try to ride out a few couple years of glory,” said evening shift manager Isiah Ward. “Then the grueling off-season interventions are just too much so they retire to coffee shops and go to bed at 8 p.m. You can imagine my shock, then, when Dave rolls in at 10 after fours weeks off and throws up a statline of five Coors Light aluminums, two packs of cigarettes, and six dart games in an hour, all while tidily throwing up in an unoccupied lot instead of ours. Even his mistakes show signs of veteran leadership.”
Despite the prevailing sense of surprise, some evaluators had pegged Wisnewski for a huge comeback.
“Was last season a glamorous display of beer-soaked excellence? No,” said analyst Peter Walker. “But Wisnewski still wasn’t a chump: he averaged 8.4 beers a game while only pissing himself 0.46 times for every three sidecars of Old Grandad he ordered. If he had lined up beside even competent bar mates via the PBF (Pro Boozehound Focus) metrics, he almost certainly would’ve performed near career-level rates. One guy can only do so much.”
Even with an exemplary Week 1 performance, Wisnewski insisted he would “get right back to the Xs and Os,” as soon as he figured out where he had accidentally had the Uber driver drop off him.
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OK, when I answered the prayer from that 12-year-old in Brighton Heights, I figured this would just be another routine job. You know the drill: boost a leftie behind the plate here, scatter a seeing-eye single around the outfield there, and bam! They’re in the playoffs and we’re suddenly and inexplicably forbidden from continuing to help them cheat. However, that whole strategy winds up in the shitter when Bob Nutting is involved. Seriously, how the fuck am I supposed to do this?
How can we possibly help a team win when their entire business model is centered around lining the pockets of one man? There’s only so much we can do for an organization with one of the lowest payrolls in the league. These guys aren’t playing for free, and guess what happens when they show any promise? Does the name Gerrit Cole sound familiar? What, you think we weren’t involved with those three feeble playoff appearances last decade? That’s the best we can do here, and trust me, we’re not getting anywhere close to that in the Year of Our Lord 2025. Not if the ownership isn’t willing to part with enough cash to get halfway decent bats into the lineup.
So yeah, enjoy Paul Skenes while you still have him. We’ve been cheesing that fastball all season, but do you think a team that’ll almost certainly refuse to pay him what he’s worth will keep him once he’s arbitration eligible? We’re angels who serve an omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient god, but we’re not fucking magicians. We can’t even help Tommy Pham with a throw to home plate without him making jack-off gestures and threatening to punch us in the face.
Man, that kid really needs to do some research before he prays to us, or ask for something a bit more tenable, like a stronger offensive line for the Steelers or for Sidney Crosby to magically revert back to the age of 21. Hell, having us force Bob Nutting into retirement would do more than any number of Cruz missiles we’re assigned to send into the right field stands, but what do I know? I’m just a loyal soldier of the firmament who does what he’s told. It’s not for me to ask questions, so I’ll just shut my mouth and turn this 10-1 loss to the White Sox into a 10-4 loss. You’re welcome, kid.
Article by Steve Packosky (spackosky@gmail.com)
BRIGHTON HEIGHTS — Entering tonight’s first preseason binge, local Steelers fan Dave Wisnewski remains confident he can duplicate the incredible alcohol-related stat line he produced last season, the 34-year-old reported today.
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NORTH SHORE — Former Pitt head football coach Dave Wannstedt started tailgating at approximately 4 p.m. yesterday for Pitt’s opening game against Wofford scheduled for 3:30 p.m. Saturday, parking lot staff being offered bratwursts on the North Shore report.
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Hardcore Steelers fan Bill Hixenbaugh completed his yearly transition into a fervent supporter of the Pittsburgh Penguins earlier today, incredulous sources reported amid eye rolls.
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LAUSANNE, Switzerland — The International Olympic Committee approved a new event this morning where competitors will have to heave a single reusable bag over their head full of every item you bought from your recent visit to the Strip, according to sources excited to “push the limits of human strength.”
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