NORRISTOWN, Penn. — Single, long-time unemployed man Robbie “Mooch” Hartwig reached out to friends from his parents’ attic this morning after “finally taking a good look in the mirror” and deciding he desperately needed their input to improve his fantasy football team, according to sources microwaving a slice of bread with a Kraft American single on it.
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SHARPSBURG — Local therapist Sabrina Donovan advised a new client yesterday to “quit pushing all [their] problems on friends, family, and coworkers” and instead attribute fault exclusively to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, according to relieved sources.
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The PIAA’s announcement to carry on with its fall sports schedule as planned has excited residents throughout the Greater Pittsburgh Area. In the current environment, however, it’ll be hard for parents to interact in ways that feel meaningful. That’s why we’ve tested three popular video call apps to let you know how you might best tell your kid’s fall sports coach that they’re a useless sack of shit who couldn’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
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MECHANICSBURG — Despite virus concerns, local dad Bill Meyers petitioned the PIAA yesterday to follow through with the state’s high school football schedule as planned for fear that canceling the season would deny kids a year of brain injuries “that would last a lifetime,” according to sources currently demanding his freshman son start at varsity QB.
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EDMONTON — An empty arena for Arizona Coyotes home games in the first round of the NHL playoffs has created no notable difference from the level of crowd noise the team generated prior to virus restrictions, sources yawning as they try to stave off elimination tomorrow confirm.
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WASHINGTON — The Washington NFL franchise faced more controversy this week as critics called out the team’s “absurd” appropriation of a real professional football team.
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TORONTO — A research team commissioned by the NHL discovered a never-before-seen third commercial this morning, according to league sources telling FanDuel their ad will now only broadcast 7,000,000 times over the next several days.
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ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Pirates play-by-play announcer Greg Brown has already changed into an alternate pair of khakis during the team’s season-opening broadcast after “absolutely whitewashing” the first pair in cum from excessive excitement for baseball’s return, team sources hurriedly driving to a Target to buy more confirm.
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MARS — Hall-of-fame Penguins broadcaster Mike Lange reportedly expressed confusion and dismay yesterday after realizing team staff had pulled him from his cryogenic chamber in July instead of September.
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