Kennywood Park will work alongside the Pittsburgh Pirates to construct a new Pirates-themed roller coaster that consists of one uninterrupted precipitous drop, the park announced today.
Continue readingCategory: Sports (Page 5 of 11)
The NHL trade deadline is less than a week away, and real fans everywhere — especially the lonely guy in the NHL-licensed Penguins beanie occupying the bar stool beside you — are fervently discussing what surprises might await as the season enters its final quarter-lap towards the playoffs.
So if you really are a fan, then you should already know these four completely untrue, unreasonable, or virtually impossible things about the Penguins that this man about to attack-talk you at the bar will suggest is Biblical fact anyway.
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Let me start by saying, you’re welcome. I doubt you’d have been able to come this conclusion by your pathetic self, even if Double M yelled it right in your face and I quickly repeated it in words that were just different enough to make it sound somewhat novel afterwards.
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STRIP DISTRICT — Local woman Nicole Steadman is reportedly waiting to ask a vendor in the Strip District if they have their ‘Fuck Tom Brady’ T-shirt in kids sizes after determining it to be the ideal Christmas gift for her seven-year-old niece.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Thrift store chain Goodwill reminded potential donors around Southwestern Pennsylvania this morning that their stores cannot accept torn clothing, inoperable appliances and electronics, or Mason Rudolph jerseys, according to sources who haven’t “seen this kind of mayhem since the great O’Donnell purge of 1996.”
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CRAFTON — Sports journalist Dejan Kovacevic promised the family of a recently deceased opioid addict this morning that he “won’t back down” until Mayor Bill Peduto takes meaningful action to combat “the vicious cycle of suffering” perpetuated by the Pittsburgh Pirates’ current ownership, according to sources fiercely vowing Derek Bell will never harm anyone in this town again.
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PPG PAINTS ARENA — Mike Lange thanked fans last night for their support over his 45 years of broadcasting with a touching series of sayings that objectively made no sense whatsoever, according to sources pretty sure “the cat better jump out the cradle because, baby, the chicken coop is burning” is a good thing.
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HEINZ FIELD — Neither staff, students, or other guests attending Pitt’s Saturday afternoon game against Delaware know how former coach Dave Wannstedt managed to sneak a full keg of American Light into the student section, sources filling out an impromptu waiting list for keg stands confirm.
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PITTSBURGH INTERNATIONAL — Local man Mark McCall, 42, was reportedly able to provide his three kids significantly more details about Steelers running back Franco Harris than first President of the United States George Washington when passing their statues this morning at Pittsburgh International Airport.
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SHALER — Local father Pete Jones remains undecided how he will uniquely butcher new Penguins winger Alex Galchenyuk’s last name, the 56-year-old reported between comments on defenseman Erik “Gundersson” (Gudbranson) and forward Nick “Bugstot” (Bjugstad).
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