Pirates broadcaster Greg Brown gave a moving guest sermon this Easter morning on how Christ rose from the dead to “absolutely hammer” a 483-foot home run that secured a Pirates victory in extra innings, puzzled but enthused sources reported.
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Another year, another spring of question marks for the Penguins heading into the postseason. It doesn’t matter, though; the excitement of playoff hockey can’t be dulled by a mere hint of doubt.
We went down to the Big Screen at the site of our holiness, the former Civic Arena, to see what the game day experience was all about.
Acting “rashly,” Pens defenseman Kris Letang committed a careless error during locker room clean-out today, creating yet another odd-man rush of media that has plagued the team all postseason.
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Despite last night’s loss to the New York Islanders, Pittsburgh Penguins staff and players remain “firmly confident” that they can overcome the four-game series deficit to make it to the next round, according to sources unsure why the ice crew didn’t expect them to be at practice this morning.
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Keep the hustle going! That’s right! Good keep! He’s got room on the point! The point! There it is. Fire it, fire it!
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
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In an impassioned speech in Oakland Sunday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders once again advocated for a universal healthcare program in the United States and the return of “old-school, hard-nosed” Big East basketball.
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When you prepare to start the grind that is the NHL playoffs, bad news is the last thing you want.
That’s what the Penguins got this morning, however, as top winger Jake Guentzel has reportedly consumed nothing over the last three days but his signature milkshake from The Milkshake Factory, potentially limiting his impact on tonight’s opening-round matchup against the New York Islanders.
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Insisting he has “grown a lot,” Mount Washington resident Mark Dwyer, 31, has begun to deflect blame ahead of time for the mental deterioration and violent mood swings he anticipates experiencing during the 2019 NHL playoffs.
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Members of the Pirates’ struggling bullpen intend to “pump the brakes” on their mid-game tailgating practices until they have shown marked improvement in their performance, according to sources devoutly limiting themselves to two hot sausages in a single sitting.
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Did you love the 1993 dramatic comedy “Groundhog Day” with Bill Murray? Were you on the edge of your seat wondering if jaded news anchor Phil Connors would ever find a way out of his existential prison?
If so, you’ve surely been pining over the years for a sequel that almost certainly will never come. But fret no more! Who needs the silver screen when the theater’s otherworldly allure appears in real life — in our very city, no less?! Such is the fate of Clint Hurdle, who, no matter what he does, has woken up every day for more than eight years now to find he is still manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates.
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