No word from Fetterman whether he intends to pursue criminal charges at this time.
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PITTSBURGH — ESPN’s Adam Schefter has reported that Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger fully intends to follow through with his ominous threat to return for another year, thus extending the seemingly endless cycle of hell that involves having to talk about this fucking guy.
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OVERBROOK — Pens fan Joe Morries officially ended 19 years of animosity today by removing the “off” duct-taped to his Jagr jersey after the star’s contentious departure to the Washington Capitals in 2001, according to sources who hope the 48-year-old Czech didn’t take the threatening letters made of Shop n’ Save clippings too hard.
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FRANKLIN PARK — Local resident Roger Whitmore, 63, wondered aloud this morning whether PennDOT drivers “actually do any damn work” after looking out his living room window for 12 seconds without seeing a single plow pass, according to retired sources who wished they “could get paid to do nothing.”
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I don’t care if people think this is “offensive.” I couldn’t care less if I’m not being “politically correct” or “inclusive.” After this turd-swirl of a year, it is time to put the “Christ” back in “Christ, Bowser Automotive has some amazing holiday deals” already.
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SCHENLEY PARK — Employees at the Schenley ice rink’s skate rental desk have undergone a fact-checking mission to determine if local eighth-grader Kyle Carmichael does in fact require a massive, sized-14 pair of skates despite standing at only 5’1″, according to sources staring decidedly at the 7.5 Adidas tennis shoes he placed on the counter prior to the request.
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Just hear me out, will ya?
Every year, my family wants to watch Scrooge mend his ways, Rudolph capture glory (apparently not a namesake thing), and Ralphie learn a valuable lesson. Yet every year they seem to forget about one holiday watershed that exudes nothing but Jesus-level infallibility: that’s right, I’m talking about Sudden Death — a street-illegal cinematic IROC oozing yuletide goodness.
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Hardcore Steelers fan Bill Huston hopes that nobody in his office’s afternoon Zoom meeting notices him open yet another IC Light, despite already publicly appearing shirtless and surrounded by team memorabilia, sources trying to “keep this shit on the DL” confirm.
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SWISSVALE — Local woman Cindy ‘Cinderella’ Dobson has expressed her fear to fellow bar patrons that she will “make an idiot” of herself and turn back to her “boring, normal,” sober state of being as soon as the state’s on-site drinking ban goes into effect at 5 p.m. today.
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UNIONTOWN — The Eiffert family fondly recalls their meticulously researched, “once-in-a-lifetime” vacation to the West Coast costing more than $4000 based solely on the impromptu $29 stop at regional chain In-n-Out Burger, according to sources wishing they could at least take the receipt down from the mantle when hosting guests.
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