BRIGHTON HEIGHTS — Entering tonight’s first preseason binge, local Steelers fan Dave Wisnewski remains confident he can duplicate the incredible alcohol-related stat line he produced last season, the 34-year-old reported today.
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Christmas miracles are real. Just ask the Schneider family.
Already doubting how Santa could make presents for kids around the world and deliver them all in one night, the Schneider’s four kids were understandably skeptical when their father, Doug, insisted they leave Santa an entire case of Iron City beer to “wet his whistle” during his stop in their Shaler home.
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SOUTH SIDE FLATS — 1,271-year-old leprechaun Donegal O’Shannassey, whose stature resembles that of a normal human due to gigantism, “has had enough” of heavily intoxicated St. Paddy’s revelers mistaking him for a fellow partier refusing to break character, according to sources insisting they would prefer to be left alone over an Irish Car Bomb.
“Aye, another year of suffering among this staggering collection of imbeciles,” said O’Shannassey, groaning as a 20-something patron in a “Fuck Me, I’m Irish” shirt posed with him for a selfie. “My kind is known for saying, ‘Don’t break your shin on a stool that’s not in your way,’ but I might break a glass in a human’s fucking face if they ask one more time about my ‘Lucky Charms.’ Suppose this is why Santa recommended I go out in a hoodie.”
The creature lamented that the holiday’s tendency for excess nullifies what makes his presence a worthwhile experience.
“In the old days, everybody had a charming tale about some wee craic they had with Donegal one March afternoon,” it said. “Now when I try to pull a harmless practical joke, some hare-brained, blithering meat sack nicknamed Dump Truck tries to pummel me into dust. Besides, how am I supposed to stir up mischief when I just watched a lad clog the bathroom sinks with paper towels and then vomit in each one of them? Mary and Joseph, I’m an eons-old prankster, not a monster.”
Several celebrants have complimented the ageless being’s demeanor and appearance, which they’ve mistaken for a carefully orchestrated act.
“That dude’s commitment is epic,” said bargoer Pete Haddad, oblivious that he was asking a millennium-old supernatural lifeform if it wanted a shot of Fireball. “He must’ve had to practice that voice for hours: I knocked him out a couple hours back with a rear naked choke and when he came to, he started cursing in, like, Yiddish or whatever without missing a beat. I’m still not convinced it isn’t my buddy Kevin, though.”
As of press time, sources report that O’Shannassey is hurriedly chugging a pint after a group of young men announced they plan to honor it with 39 consecutive jukebox plays of the “traditional Irish classic” ’Shipping Off to Boston’ by the Dropkick Murphys. ♣
BROOKLINE — Local man Ryan Woodward, 46, has campaigned heavily around the neighborhood this week to ensure that trick-or-treaters only take as many cans of beer as they feel capable of drinking from the two 30-packs of IC Light he intends to leave on his steps Saturday evening, according to sources glad they “did the right the thing.”
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BLOOMFIELD — Researchers “looking for a stiff drink” have compiled overwhelming evidence that the bar they entered also serves as a fully functional house, sources trying not to stare at the family photos while they urinate confirm.
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PENN TOWNSHIP — Local dive regular Lou Parker has begun looking “dangerously well and high-spirited” since Covid-19 restrictions have forced him to eat between orders of light beer and shots of Imperial whiskey, concerned sources report.
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HARRISBURG — Having just realized Pennsylvania beer distributors were permitted to stay open, Pittsburgh resident Clint Price reportedly has “not a damn clue” what he is supposed to do with the lit Molotov Cocktail he intended to throw at the state capitol building.
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LATROBE — Pittsburgh Brewing Company announced this morning the sudden release of I.C. Seltzer, a beer-flavored, 95-calorie hard seltzer beverage intended to compete with products like White Claw and Truly, according to sources who insist the product’s lettering won’t smudge as easily in the future.
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DOWNTOWN — Steelers fan Adam King, 31, played Styx favorite ‘Renegade’ at full volume earlier today in hopes of inspiring a comeback in the later stages of his third DUI hearing over the last several years, courtroom sources confirmed.
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