PENN TOWNSHIP — Local dive regular Lou Parker has begun looking “dangerously well and high-spirited” since Covid-19 restrictions have forced him to eat between orders of light beer and shots of Imperial whiskey, concerned sources report.
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INDIANA, Penn. — Leaders at the IUP chapter of Phi Alpha Kappa released a stringent list of measures this morning aimed at protecting minors getting jungle juice at a party from Covid-19, sources yelling “Chug! Chug! Chug!” at a teenage freshman report.
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STRIP DISTRICT — Small-batch craft whiskey producer Ye Olde Tyme Distillery intends to help combat the Coronavirus by offering jelly jars of “high-quality, artistically refined” hand sanitizer for $30 per unit, company sources revealed this morning.
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