Listen, Jesus died for our sins. God’s only son sacrificed himself yadda yadda yadda — you know the deal. Anyway, letting him die on the cross to absolve us of our misgivings only not to have any would kind of be a dick move, right? Of course it would; I’m glad we’re on the same page.
Continue readingTag: coronavirus (Page 1 of 2)
NORTH PARK — Local “running machine” Tim Liebermann determined the pace of his morning jog around the lake at North Park was far too quick to consider wearing a mask as he struggled through packs of also unmasked walkers, according to sources asking if anybody had some spare water between labored, saliva-spewing breaths.
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ROBINSON — Kenny Chesney fan Rob Peterson would join protests against restrictions that have delayed the country star’s event at Heinz Field, were he not still on house arrest from his actions at the last concert two years ago, according to sources not legally permitted to drive again until 2023.
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HIGHMARK STADIUM — State officials have reportedly granted a waiver request made by the Riverhounds Soccer Club to allow fans into games despite yellow phase restrictions on the grounds that it is “highly improbable” attendance would ever exceed 25 persons.
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ERIE — Erie County’s move to the yellow stage of the Governor’s reopening plan has inspired local resident Rick Morris to seek out all the activities and opportunities that don’t exist in his hometown, sources figuring they’ll have this “wrapped up soon” confirm.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Communities throughout Southwestern Pennsylvania are calling on health experts to start summarizing their comprehensive, data-heavy, life-saving information on COVID-19 in the form of a singular convenient Steelers analogy.
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POLISH HILL — Given a recent plateauing of local COVID-19 cases, Pens fan Mark Baronowski prematurely ended his quarantine this morning after it seemed that the virus had “no shot in hell” of staging a comeback, sources with “more important shit to do” confirm.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Mrs. T’s Pierogies announced yesterday that the company will release new potato and cheddar face masks available immediately in grocery chains throughout the region.
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FREEDOM — Local mother Nina Mosesso cautioned her kids this morning to clean their room or else she would march up there and, “as God is [her] witness,” administer the Pennsylvania System of School Assessment exams as punishment, sources hurriedly putting stuff away to avoid algebra confirmed.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — The Grim Reaper implored new intern Wendy Bell to “take it easy with the scythe” after witnessing her enthusiasm in reaping souls of the region’s seniors, according to sources wishing they had never transitioned her from the practice scythe.
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