BELLEVUE — Local father Gary Barnes, 63, is currently sipping on a glass of plain water, completely unaided by added flavor powders, liquids, or an accompanying pour of scotch, several astonished sources confirmed.
“We have to believe age is a key factor,” said head researcher and daughter Crystal Barnes. “I watched him eye up an Old Milwaukee across the patio, but after trying to stand up, he thought better of it. I suppose the 17th kidney stone may have finally been enough. That said, since the Crystal Pepsi Deceit of the early 90s, nobody in the family could believe it was regular tap water until on-site taste tests confirmed it.”
As of press time, Mr. Barnes continued to astound observers, after they all participated in a conversation without his contributing a single prejudiced comment.
