ATLANTIC OCEAN – A Kraft Heinz tanker sustained substantial exterior damage off the Eastern Shore of Virginia this morning, leading to a “catastrophe-level” spill of crude ketchup in the Atlantic Ocean, according to sources pushing for more stringent restrictions against the food conglomerate.
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HAYS — Local “kink” Paul Hammerschmidt refuses to perform oral sex on a partner’s anal cavity with any aid other than Heinz ketchup, according to sources “absolutely disgusted” by the notion of using an alternative brand or condiment.
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STOWE TOWNSHIP — Local man George Rowe reportedly instructed his son yesterday on how to “hit the 57” of a glass Heinz bottle to stimulate the flow of ketchup with the wisdom and reverence of a master swordsman teaching a plucky youth destined for greatness the way of the blade.
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DORMONT — Castle Shannon mother Darcy Brooks reportedly vocalized her outrage this morning after discovering a neighborhood breakfast spot offered alternative-brand condiments instead of supporting “everybody’s hometown favorite” $26.2-billion manufactured food corporation, the Kraft Heinz Company.
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Admittedly “getting a little carried away,” food giant Kraft Heinz announced the release of their latest crossover that blends the best elements of ketchup and third-wave ska band Mustard Plug.
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