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OK, when I answered the prayer from that 12-year-old in Brighton Heights, I figured this would just be another routine job. You know the drill: boost a leftie behind the plate here, scatter a seeing-eye single around the outfield there, and bam! They’re in the playoffs and we’re suddenly and inexplicably forbidden from continuing to help them cheat. However, that whole strategy winds up in the shitter when Bob Nutting is involved. Seriously, how the fuck am I supposed to do this?
How can we possibly help a team win when their entire business model is centered around lining the pockets of one man? There’s only so much we can do for an organization with one of the lowest payrolls in the league. These guys aren’t playing for free, and guess what happens when they show any promise? Does the name Gerrit Cole sound familiar? What, you think we weren’t involved with those three feeble playoff appearances last decade? That’s the best we can do here, and trust me, we’re not getting anywhere close to that in the Year of Our Lord 2025. Not if the ownership isn’t willing to part with enough cash to get halfway decent bats into the lineup.
So yeah, enjoy Paul Skenes while you still have him. We’ve been cheesing that fastball all season, but do you think a team that’ll almost certainly refuse to pay him what he’s worth will keep him once he’s arbitration eligible? We’re angels who serve an omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient god, but we’re not fucking magicians. We can’t even help Tommy Pham with a throw to home plate without him making jack-off gestures and threatening to punch us in the face.
Man, that kid really needs to do some research before he prays to us, or ask for something a bit more tenable, like a stronger offensive line for the Steelers or for Sidney Crosby to magically revert back to the age of 21. Hell, having us force Bob Nutting into retirement would do more than any number of Cruz missiles we’re assigned to send into the right field stands, but what do I know? I’m just a loyal soldier of the firmament who does what he’s told. It’s not for me to ask questions, so I’ll just shut my mouth and turn this 10-1 loss to the White Sox into a 10-4 loss. You’re welcome, kid.
Article by Steve Packosky (spackosky@gmail.com)
