DUBLIN — Irish woman Isla Byrne is “hopelessly smitten” with “strapping, exotic, and in every way confounding” Doug Smolinski, 36, of Munhall, who is visiting the Irish capital for this Sunday’s Steelers game against the Vikings, sources trying not to make a face as the traveler adds french fries to a piece of soda bread report.
Continue readingTag: steelers (Page 1 of 2)
BRIGHTON HEIGHTS — Local boozing veteran Dave Wisnewski “looked better than ever” during his alcohol binge for the first week of the NFL season despite not drinking for the entirety of the preseason, amazed sources still finding crushed beer cans he stowed away reported Sunday night.
“You hear all the stories about how these older guys can’t hack it,” said Wisnewski’s neighbor Sam Hutchinson, 28. “Everybody says they’ve got too much going on between the back spams, the elbow they hyperextended playing horseshoes, the dialysis—the whole shebang. Then my buddy Dave comes in here and puts up 15 beers and eight shots of Fireball in six hours like he hasn’t missed a beat.”
“Turning the clock back, this guy,” added Hutchinson.
General managers in the local bar circuit expressed uncertainty when Wisnewski, entering his 25th season of football-adjacent alcohol consumption, agreed to a modest deal to drink nothing but Michelob Ultra late this off-season.
“You see these long-time stalwarts try to ride out a few couple years of glory,” said evening shift manager Isiah Ward. “Then the grueling off-season interventions are just too much so they retire to coffee shops and go to bed at 8 p.m. You can imagine my shock, then, when Dave rolls in at 10 after fours weeks off and throws up a statline of five Coors Light aluminums, two packs of cigarettes, and six dart games in an hour, all while tidily throwing up in an unoccupied lot instead of ours. Even his mistakes show signs of veteran leadership.”
Despite the prevailing sense of surprise, some evaluators had pegged Wisnewski for a huge comeback.
“Was last season a glamorous display of beer-soaked excellence? No,” said analyst Peter Walker. “But Wisnewski still wasn’t a chump: he averaged 8.4 beers a game while only pissing himself 0.46 times for every three sidecars of Old Grandad he ordered. If he had lined up beside even competent bar mates via the PBF (Pro Boozehound Focus) metrics, he almost certainly would’ve performed near career-level rates. One guy can only do so much.”
Even with an exemplary Week 1 performance, Wisnewski insisted he would “get right back to the Xs and Os,” as soon as he figured out where he had accidentally had the Uber driver drop off him.
FINEVIEW — A Mason Rudolph jersey received as a joke gift at a 2019 holiday party now qualifies as North Side resident Dave Grimm’s “absolutely most prized” belonging, according to sources whispering kind words to the piece of apparel for the last hour.
Continue reading
(Article by John Danek, @jjdanek)
PRAGUE — Pittsburgh-based globetrotter Ian Pataki has developed a simple method for determining his favorite and least favorite foreign countries to visit.
Continue reading
Don’t move a muscle, young man! Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. I can’t tell other people’s kids what to do, but so long as you live under my roof, you’ve got to follow my rules, understood? And I’ll tell you what: I’ll be cold and dead in the ground before I ever—ever—let any flesh and blood of mine be caught at a Pride parade in that disgraceful blue and silver of the Dallas Cowboys. I’m just glad your mother isn’t home to see this.
Continue reading
PITTSBURGH — ESPN’s Adam Schefter has reported that Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger fully intends to follow through with his ominous threat to return for another year, thus extending the seemingly endless cycle of hell that involves having to talk about this fucking guy.
Continue reading
SHARPSBURG — Local therapist Sabrina Donovan advised a new client yesterday to “quit pushing all [their] problems on friends, family, and coworkers” and instead attribute fault exclusively to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, according to relieved sources.
Continue reading
PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Communities throughout Southwestern Pennsylvania are calling on health experts to start summarizing their comprehensive, data-heavy, life-saving information on COVID-19 in the form of a singular convenient Steelers analogy.
Continue reading
TAMPA BAY — Following a trade that marked his return to the NFL, tight end Rob Gronkowski stated in a press conference yesterday he feels he still has “at least three, maybe four more” high-quality, debilitating injuries left in him before retiring for good.
Continue reading
