BRIGHTON HEIGHTS — Entering tonight’s first preseason binge, local Steelers fan Dave Wisnewski remains confident he can duplicate the incredible alcohol-related stat line he produced last season, the 34-year-old reported today.
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BREEZEWOOD — Local father Dan Porter has terrified his wife, kids, and grandchildren on their drive to the eastern shore by making “sincere, straight-faced” threats to stop in Breezewood, Pennsylvania for an undisclosed duration, according to sources pleading that they are neither hungry nor need to use the restroom.
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CANONSBURG — A local steak salad made with the intention of “healthy eating” clocked in at a staggering 1400 calories this afternoon, according to unwitting sources claiming it’s “fucking bomb.”
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SHADYSIDE — Calling it “the next big thing,” local fashion company Three Rivers Fash-Yinz unveiled their latest line of shirts this morning, which appeared nearly identical to double-XL giveaway T-shirt provided at professional sporting events.
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Man Tries Getting Yinzer Dad to Support Charitable Cause by Pretending It High School Football Coach
EAST ALLEGHENY – Local man Derek Howson renewed efforts yesterday to get his father to back vital charitable causes in the Southwestern PA by reframing them as a suburban high school football coach, according to “exhausted” sources trying to connect the importance of transportation equity to mandatory summer conditioning restrictions.
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BLOOMFIELD — Researchers “looking for a stiff drink” have compiled overwhelming evidence that the bar they entered also serves as a fully functional house, sources trying not to stare at the family photos while they urinate confirm.
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STOWE TOWNSHIP — Local man George Rowe reportedly instructed his son yesterday on how to “hit the 57” of a glass Heinz bottle to stimulate the flow of ketchup with the wisdom and reverence of a master swordsman teaching a plucky youth destined for greatness the way of the blade.
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SHARPSBURG — Local therapist Sabrina Donovan advised a new client yesterday to “quit pushing all [their] problems on friends, family, and coworkers” and instead attribute fault exclusively to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, according to relieved sources.
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The PIAA’s announcement to carry on with its fall sports schedule as planned has excited residents throughout the Greater Pittsburgh Area. In the current environment, however, it’ll be hard for parents to interact in ways that feel meaningful. That’s why we’ve tested three popular video call apps to let you know how you might best tell your kid’s fall sports coach that they’re a useless sack of shit who couldn’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
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ROSS TOWNSHIP — Pittsburgh-based “financial whiz” Drew McCarthy’s only suggestion to clients has been to “invest” in numerous plays of his wife’s birthday in the Pennsylvania Lottery PICK 4 drawing, frustrated sources with beer spilled all over printouts of their 401k projections confirm.
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