Members of the Pirates’ struggling bullpen intend to “pump the brakes” on their mid-game tailgating practices until they have shown marked improvement in their performance, according to sources devoutly limiting themselves to two hot sausages in a single sitting.
“We knew we needed to start holding ourselves more accountable,” said Steven Brault, playing pregame radio coverage of tonight’s game on a nearby Bluetooth speaker instead of the usual “Pirates Pen Crunk Mix” on Spotify. “That meant taking some bold stands, like no extra slice of pizza for the guy headed to the mound unless it was a pie that’d be gone before he got back. Oh, and absolutely no vodka shooters until after your outing — that one was a downer, but rules are rules until we earn them, boys.”
Manager Clint Hurdle spoke highly of his relievers’ commitment to turn around their game.
“You know you’ve got a good group when nobody needs to be told,” he said. “Take [first-year Pirate] Nick Burdi, for example. Some guys require constant micromanagement, but he chose to keep his cooler full of beers outside the locker room without so much as a hint. Heard he moved to light beer, too. That’s the kind of dedication that’s going to turn this team around.”
Hurdle was unable to comment on tonight’s lineup, however, as it was currently his turn in cornhole.
