OHIO — Countless motorists on Interstate 90 westbound have passed Olli Maatta this morning on the former Penguin defenseman’s drive to Chicago, sources pretty certain he should have his hazard lights on confirmed.
“Jesus, buddy, it’s the pedal on the right — the right!” Cleveland native Joe Harper reported yelling as he sped by Maatta’s vehicle. “Listen, pal, I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but if that’s the fastest you can manage, maybe it’s time to give up on highway driving and try something a little more…leisurely.”
Lisa Barton, who uses I-90 west daily to get to work, could hardly believe that the slow driver was a young male.
“I figured it was somebody’s ancient grandma,” she said. “Everybody was just cruising by him: semi-trucks, one of those little smart cars — even some dude on a scooter. Needless to say, I was surprised to find out it was a 20-something guy with this look of sheer, overwhelming terror in his eyes.”
Pittsburgh-based friends aiding Maatta in his move decided to stop at Lake Michigan to pass some of the time waiting for him to arrive. They claimed that the first-round draft pick never drove this slow when he was younger.
“Man, Olli used be a whiz behind the wheel,” said friend Sarah Hartner. “He could do it all: carefully navigate tight spaces, haul ass down the left lane, move in and out of other vehicles with ease — anything, really.”
“Then one night it took him 93 minutes to drive from Cranberry to the parking garage in town for a dinner event. From then on, he’s just been sort of a slowpoke.”
Sources say former teammate Kris Letang is also helping with the transition. They reported that he drove faster than anybody in the group, but had inexplicably given luggage away somewhere near Toledo and was now speeding even harder to get it back.
