Tag: Penguins (Page 1 of 2)
The Pens aren’t out of it yet! Here’s three simple ways the team can still pull out the series win that aren’t the wild, directionless plots of a fatigued, hungover maniac and 157 more that could help the team, but may also be a sign of playoff hockey-induced mental decline.
1. Get more traffic in front
2. Chip and chase early to back the Isles D out of the neutral zone
3. You’ve been the better team, so don’t overreact
4. Storm the arena control room and blast ‘Renegade’ all game long
5. The four most dangerous consecutive words in the English language: Jean—Claude—Van—Damme
6. Run the football
7. Fire Mike Tomlin
8. Travel in time and stop 9/11
9. Play Sonic 3 until you’ve disassociated enough from reality to convince yourself they’ve actually won the series / forget to re-engage with humanity
10. *incoherent screaming*
11. Give up and hope for pity
12. Dan Byls—hey, where are you going?
13. Chess deathmatch
14. Get Tristan Jarry a neat little Game of Thrones shirt that says, “That’s what I do: I give away the puck and know things,” so he knows we’re mad, but we still love him
15. Wouldn’t hurt to go for, like, a walk or something
16. Bionic Lemieux
17. *glass breaks* STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! THE RATTLESNAKE CHARGES THE RING AND HE’S MAD AS HELL!
18. Establish dominance on power play…with the air-to-surface superiority of the A-10 Warthog
19. Send erotic DBZ fan fiction to Islanders to distract the Islanders in disgust or excite the weird ones
20. Breathe in for luck
21. Breathe in so deep
22. This air is blessed
23. You share with me
24. This night is wild
25. So calm and dull
26. These hearts they race
27. From self-control
28. Your legs are smooth
29. As they graze mine
30. We’re doing fine
31. We’re doing nothing at all
32. My hopes are so high
33. That your kiss might kill me
34. So won’t you kill me
35. So I die happy
36. My heart is yours to fill or burst
37. To break or bury
38. Or wear as jewelry
39. Whichever you prefer
40. WWJWBD? (What Would John-Wilkes Booth Do?)
41. Assassinate Abraham Lincoln
42. Google “what if abraham lincoln never assassinated penguins 2021”
43. Trial by combat
44. Try up up down down left right left right A B start
45. Trial by Contra: Hard Corps
46. Start Isles playing Battletoads so they get to hard-as-shit tunnel part just as puck drops
47. Prayer?
48. Get three points off of Jeff Reed’s toe, here we go
49. Distract everybody in Long Isle who might go to a game by putting a Journey cover band outside
50. Honestly, maybe just some good ol’ fashioned death threats
51. Giiiiiant Eagle, so simple for you fe fi fo fum
52. Point to the Wrestlemania sign to buy yourself some time to regroup before the big PPV match-up
53. SKATE! SKATE! SKATE SKATE! SKATE! SKATE! SKATE SKATE SKATE SKATE! SKATE!
54. Give Tristan Jarry one of those cool, snappy hockey nicknames: Tristy? Trister? That could work…right?
55. Watch Mallrats again and get sad that cinema peaked for you in 1995
56. Just ask them politely to let you win; couldn’t hurt
57. Put fries on it
58. What if, just hear me out, we yell ‘Pass!’ instead?
59. Screw Flanders
60. Screw Flanders
61. Screw Flanders
62. Screw Flanders
63. Screw Flanders
64. Screw Flanders
65. Screw Flanders
66. Screw Flanders
67. Screw Flanders
68. Screw Flanders
69. nice
70. A new hobby instead of hockey, as our therapist suggests, might not be the worst idea
71. Ok…that’s it
72. We’re good — seriously
73. No issues here, nope; just a healthy relationship with hockey
74. Won’t see us acting out again — unless…
75-160. *sustained Ric Flair woo*
The ultimate occasion of love and intimacy has arrived: Valentine’s Day. The pandemic may have snuffed out your plans for a ‘traditional’ holiday outing, but luckily the gambino of good vibes and godfather of getting frisky — that’s right — Penguins historian Bob Grove has just what you need to keep things as fun and exciting as 20-year-old Mark Recchi recording his first NHL tally with a timely poke past Winnipeg Jets goaltender Pokey Reddick at the 17:42 mark of the second period in a 7-3 loss on January 20, 1989. If that doesn’t start getting your blood flowing, then check your pulse!
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NEW YORK — Rangers GM Jeff Gorton contacted junior star Alexis Lafrenière this morning to discuss the team’s plan to select him first overall and their preference that he “fit the team model” by showing up at training camp having aged 16 years and with no apparent desire to keep playing hockey, the club recently confirmed.
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TORONTO — A research team commissioned by the NHL discovered a never-before-seen third commercial this morning, according to league sources telling FanDuel their ad will now only broadcast 7,000,000 times over the next several days.
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CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY — A bot exposed to hours of Pens talk via radio broadcasts, podcasts, and audio transcripts of Twitter threads startled researchers this week by learning to utter ‘Matt Murray sucks’ with a distinct slur of a person under the influence of alcohol or choking on their own rage, sources trying to stop it from calling 93.7 the Fan again confirm.
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PITTSBURGH — Penguins winger Jake Guentzel is reportedly panicking after having spent the entirety of quarantine consuming solely his signature milkshake from the Milkshake Factory instead of preparing for the 24-team conclusion to the 2020 NHL season as agreed on today.
“I wasn’t supposed to be back in time,” said a frantic Guentzel, hurriedly approaching an elliptical machine before a fit of dry heaves stopped him. “Jesus, what do I do? I guess start with something easy like jumping jacks, maybe. OK…one…two — oh God, I think I’m going to vomit chocolate sauce.”
As of press time, Sidney Crosby had allegedly agreed to come help Guentzel after finishing a plank exercise that he first started in March.
POLISH HILL — Given a recent plateauing of local COVID-19 cases, Pens fan Mark Baronowski prematurely ended his quarantine this morning after it seemed that the virus had “no shot in hell” of staging a comeback, sources with “more important shit to do” confirm.
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PITTSBURGH — The NHL announced this afternoon it will suspend the regular season due to the Coronavirus, reportedly crushing local dad Michael Hupp’s plans to take his kids to their first Pens game before insisting they leave to beat traffic halfway in.
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The NHL trade deadline is less than a week away, and real fans everywhere — especially the lonely guy in the NHL-licensed Penguins beanie occupying the bar stool beside you — are fervently discussing what surprises might await as the season enters its final quarter-lap towards the playoffs.
So if you really are a fan, then you should already know these four completely untrue, unreasonable, or virtually impossible things about the Penguins that this man about to attack-talk you at the bar will suggest is Biblical fact anyway.
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