DORMONT — Castle Shannon mother Darcy Brooks reportedly vocalized her outrage this morning after discovering a neighborhood breakfast spot offered alternative-brand condiments instead of supporting “everybody’s hometown favorite” $26.2-billion manufactured food corporation, the Kraft Heinz Company.
“If we don’t step up to help out the little guy,” Brooks said of the world’s fifth-largest food and beverage company, “then those classic all-natural flavors we know and love could be gone in an instant. In fact, I heard Heinz just released a promotional ketchup with Ed Sheeran, which must mean they couldn’t afford Donnie Iris, so clearly they need our support now more than ever.”
Staff allegedly tried to explain that Heinz ketchup’s reputation as a premium international brand — no longer produced in Pittsburgh, but rather Ohio and Iowa — actually made it more costly to local eateries, but the attempts appeared only to further upset Brooks.
“I can’t believe [the wait staff] would throw their entrepreneurial brothers in arms under the bus like that,” she said aloud while making uncomfortable eye contact with other patrons. “Next thing you know, they’re going to start telling me the Rooneys own an NFL team for the money.”
Witnesses at the one-location diner say Brooks later aimed to avenge “small businesses struggling to keep the doors open” by refusing to pay the check.
